


Broken - SUF Fic

by Dimonds456



Category: Steven Universe - Fandom, steven universe future - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Gem Steven, Greg Is Best Dad, Growing Pains, I have this whole thing planned out now I just need to type it, Other, Post Episode 14, SU - Freeform, SUF, Steven Universe Future, Steven runs away, Steven “cracks” himself theory, pink steven, post ep 14, su future - Freeform, tw depression, tw major character injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:01:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23179648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dimonds456/pseuds/Dimonds456
Summary: Steven knows after the events of “Growing Pains” that he needs to leave. He’s becoming a danger to himself and to others. So, until he can get himself under control enough to be around others again, he decides that he needs a breather. He runs out into the forest to take a breath of fresh air and camp out for a bit...This fic has 10 chapters.Anyways, enjoy!
Relationships: Connverse, Steven x Connie - Relationship, Steven/Connie, Steven/Greg
Comments: 55
Kudos: 221





	1. On the Run

It was quiet. The silence was comforting, but not what he was looking for. Not yet. The sounds of the car engine humming and other cars driving by were muffled by his mind, just enough so that he could clear his head. But, while it was practically soundless outside his ears, inside, it was a mess.

Steven knew he had to leave as soon as he’d woken up that morning. After the whole hospital scene, he knew that he was becoming a danger. He remembered vividly how he had lost control, and how just seeing Connie had spiked his stress. She and her mother had held onto each other, looking away and shaking. They were afraid of him, and had a right to be. Not to mention, Greg and the gems were always so busy, it must have been annoying for them to have to stop all that and focus on Steven. 

It was better for everyone that he left; he needed to get control of himself so he could start working through everything that was wrong with him.

That morning, he’d gotten up and immediately laid eyes on the cheeseburger backpack sitting in the corner, something he stopped using but didn’t want to get rid of for memory’s sake. He knew then what he had to do. He went downstairs, greeted the Gems, and went about his normal morning routine until they were gone. Then, he packed up a few boxes worth of clothes, food, and camping gear, stuffed it all in the Dondai, and started to drive. He’d gone off in the direction of the surrounding forest, not towards Jasper, but just the woods in general. 

He hadn’t realized he’d been casually speeding up until he noted a good spot and hit the brakes. He veered off to the side of the road, car practically skidding down a small slope, and in panic, he realized how fast he’d been going; 70 in a 55. He started glowing pink, and didn’t stop until the car came to a complete stop at the foot of the decline. He took a few deep breaths, feeling his heart slow down, and the glow faded away. 

This wasn’t quite where he wanted to be, not yet. He carefully shifted back into drive, and set out across a small plain and into the surrounding woods. He drove in a ways until he couldn’t anymore without hitting a tree, then finally parked. The keys jingled as he stopped the engine, the door slamming shut behind him as he stepped out.

Steven had found a nice clearing, mostly level, just a little ways away. He smiled, noting the beautiful slant of sunlight that lit the clearing up. A few golden flowers dotted the edges, practically shining in the light. A yellow butterfly drifted past, allowing itself to be casually carried on by the light breeze.

This… this was perfect. 

Steven wasted no time in popping the trunk and getting out the small tent he’d packed away. He’d set up a tent before, back at the barn, but he remembered it being hard. He’d needed Greg and Pearl to help him. Steven felt a pang of loneliness for a moment thinking about it, but quickly brushed it off. He’d see them again just as soon as he had calmed himself down.

He laid out the tent and started to nail its pieces in place. Simple enough. The hard part was getting it to stand up straight. After multiple trial-and-errors of the tent refusing to stay upright, falling down, and even ripping the pegs up out of the ground, Steven gave up. He threw the hammer he’d been using down, frustrated. 

_ No. Calm down. _

The teen stopped, taking in several deep breaths once again, and felt his anger reside for the moment. Good. He could do this. He looked at the tent, noting everything that had gone wrong so far, only to realize he’d done some of the steps out of order. Of course. He grabbed the skeleton of the tent’s tarp, lacing them together again and started weaving them into the cloth.

As he worked, Steven started to hear the sounds of nature around him more. The chirping of birds, the rustle of leaves, the crunch of twigs… He looked up, making sure there was nothing near him. He didn’t see anything, and after a moment of staring just to be sure, he went back to his work. A few seconds later, he heard it again. Something big was out here with him. 

“That’s ridiculous, Universe, you’re just paranoid,” he muttered under his breath. “There’s nothing out here but you. Just relax.”

_ Crunch. _

Steven looked up sharply, his form starting to glow pink. Whatever that thing was, it was heavy. What could it be, a moose? Wolves? A bear, maybe? 

Maybe this wasn’t the best place to put up a tent. Steven looked around in fear, but again, he saw nothing. 

“Okay, you know what?” Steven stood up, dropping the tent skeleton. “I’ll prove it. You’re overreacting. You are not in danger, just like you haven’t been in danger for months now. There’s nothing here.” He took a few steps towards the sound, nervous, and whipped back some foliage to see behind it. There was nothing there.

He exhaled, relieved. “See? It’s nothing. Now calm down.” He frowned, scolding himself for overreacting.  _ Just like the hospital, or the graduation, or the other day with Connie. You’re overreacting. Calm. Down. _

Just to be sure, though, he decided to do a quick perimeter check. Leaving the tent and the car behind him, Steven stepped into the foliage and began to scout around, checking out the terrain.

He had truly chosen a beautiful spot. There were nearby strawberry bushes, some blueberries and raspberries, and a willow standing in a clearing of its own. The sunlight sprinkled down through the oak trees, coating the ground in flecks of golden light. Many flowers dotted the land, moss coating many trees. Squirrels chattered up above, arguing with the nearby cardinals and blue jays. 

The most striking thing, however, was the lake. 

Steven saw it through a break in the trees up ahead. When he stepped out, he saw a large open field at least fifty feet in length. At its edge was a small lake. Steven walked over to it, looking down. The waters were clear as crystal, and the sun illuminated all the way to the bottom for a long ways out. 

“Woah…” Steven breathed. He knelt by the water and lightly splashed it. The water was warm, and it felt nice against his fingertips. He smiled to himself. He’d have to remember this place.

Thoroughly relaxed now, Steven sat down by the water’s edge and stared into it, allowing himself to become hypnotized by the waves and ripples of it. He took a deep breath in. This was nice. 

For the first time in a good, long while, he felt relaxed.

He closed his eyes, resting in the sun, and let the world fade away around him.


	2. Reflections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven realizes he fell asleep by the lake. Now bathed in moonlight, he gazes into the water, only to see something horrifying...

_Bzzzt._

_Bzzzt._

_Bzzzt._

Steven slowly opened his eyes, taking in the world around him. Grass swayed gently overhead, but they were hard to see against the blackened sky.

Where was he? He squinted, sitting upright. He noted quickly that he was in a field, a forest behind him, and a small lake in front. The waters had darkened in the moonlight, but they still reflected the light just as brightly as they had in daytime.

Right. He was in the middle of nowhere.

Steven rubbed the back of his head, and sighed. He must have fallen asleep by the water’s edge. Had he really been that tired? How? 

_Bzzzt._

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Steven blinked, reaching for it. Upon turning it on, he had to shield his eyes from the screen’s light, harsh against the surrounding darkness. He pulled the top down, turning down the brightness all the way. It still felt too bright. He let his eyes adjust, noting 12 new messages, all from either Pearl or Greg. Only the most recent appeared in his notifications:

_Recent messages from Pearl_

_“Really, Steven, we can't help if you've run off. Come back home.”_

_“Where are you? Are you okay?”_

_“If this is about the whole proposal thing, running away isn't helping”_

_“Steven its been hours and you still havent responded. Where are you?”_

_Recent messages from Dad_

_“Its okay, Dr Maheswaran explained everything to me. We can talk about this.”_

_“Hey schtu-ball, its been a few hours. How are you holding up?”_

_“Steven, this is serious. Where are you?”_

_“If youre scared to talk about this, I wont make you. Just please come home”_

Steven’s guilt rose as he realized that he forgot to write them a note or something before he left. Of course! And now they were even MORE worried about him than before. Just great.

Quickly, Steven unlocked his phone and texted back to both of them:

_“Just taking a little time. I’ll be home soon.”_

As soon as the phone screen went black, it went off again. Both Pearl and Greg had texted him back, and were proceeding to send more texts. Mixes of “where are you,” and “why didn’t you tell us beforehand,” and “Steven if you don’t come home this instant-!”... it all flooded his inbox.

Wow. They… were really mad…

Steven noticed too late that his body was glowing again. He looked at his hand, which was casting light onto the grass around him, and gasped. He shook himself, trying to get it to go away, but the guilt knawing at him wouldn’t let it fade away.

_Control this, Steven. For their sakes. You can’t go home until you can do that. Control it. Calm down._

The phone kept vibrating. Steven’s eyes flicked to it, then back to his hand, his other hand coming to rest on his shirt over where his gem was placed, his eyes flitting to look anywhere but the phone.

After a couple of antagonizing seconds that had dragged on for far too long, Steven decided that they were better off not knowing. If they knew where he was, they’d only get more worried.

He was coming home soon. That was all they needed to know. It was also a promise to himself and to them that he would come home more in control of his powers than before.

He took a moment, closing his eyes and breathing in deep through his nose, counting to ten slowly. The pink glow faded away once again. He could do this. Stress reaction or not, he could do this.

Upon opening his eyes again, he looked up at the moon. It was full tonight, the many craters along its surface creating dark pits in the otherwise monotone glowing, grey circle. It was beautiful.

His gaze fell back to the water, watching as slow ripples danced along, morphing the moon’s reflection. An arm of the Milky Way galaxy could be seen reflected in the water as well, and each star twinkled rhythmically.

Something caught his eye, something closer to him. “Huh?” Steven said aloud. It was a bright white flash, quick and flitting. It was reflected in the water’s surface, but much closer to where the young adult sat. Frowning, Steven inched closer to the water’s edge, peering down past the small grassy overhang and into its depths.

A terror stared back.

He was glowing pink from head to tow. His entire color palate had changed, shifting into hues of pink and black. His eyes were dark, cracks extending from them and along his face. Bright pink pupils stared back at him. The cracks ran down his arms and one accompanied his leg as well. On his right arm (the reflection’s left), Steven noted that he was wearing the glow stick, but it had chains extending from it and into the ground. His gem glowed brightly through his shirt, and on it, Steven could see multiple cracks. Tears streamed down this nightmare version of him’s face, and glowing white butterflies swarmed the skies above his head.

The reflection’s dark eyes looked into Steven’s, pleading, silently calling out for something Steven couldn’t give him. 

Instinctively, Steven leapt back from the water’s edge, screaming. He started to glow pink again, the glow enveloping his entire body quickly. _No! Stop! Calm down!_ He yelled at himself, hoping he’d listen to his own advice, but the glow wouldn’t go away. Steven shook his head back and forth, placing both hands on his temples, willing the glow to fade, but it just got stronger. His heart quickened, and he realized with a jolt that he was starting to get bigger again. 

Hyperventilating, Steven pinched the bridge of his nose, focusing on his breathing. One, in. Two, out. Three, in. Four, out. This was working a little bit. 

Cracking open his eyes, he looked up. The night sky surrounded his vision, the beautiful display of the Milky Way and the moon still there, along with all the accompanying stars. His breathing gradually relaxed as he took it all in, finally ending with him taking a deep breath. The glow faded away.

“It’s okay, Universe,” he told himself softly. “It’s gonna be okay.”

No sooner had the words left his mouth, his phone went off again, a familiar ringtone cutting through the night air. The pink glow returned immediately, Steven’s focus whipping to the rectangular device next to him.

_Connie._

She was trying to video chat him. Pearl must have told her about Steven’s running off, and now even _she_ was worried! 

Steven got to his feet, stumbling backwards, feeling his body proportions start to warp and change. _No, no, not again! CALM DOWN!_

The now much larger boy hit the ground again, curling on himself. It was a wonder the Gems didn’t know where he was right now, what with him being a beacon of pink-hued light. If he could calm down for ONE SECOND…

He squeezed his eyes shut. “No… no… no no no… no no no no…” He gasped, trying to get his everything under control again. Yep. Stress. No doubt about it now. 

_Stars, why can’t I CALM DOWN?!_

He heard the ringtone start up again. Opening his eyes, he glanced towards the phone. At first, he thought the glow of the screen was playing tricks on him, only to realize that it was not that at all. The screen was black. On top of it sat a glowing white butterfly, gently flapping its wings together.

He felt a tingling sensation on his arm. Looking over, he saw yet another butterfly perched there. His arm grew out fast, launching the butterfly away from him. It shrunk back down as quickly as it happened, and the butterfly righted itself in midair. Two more flew past Steven’s head, dancing around each other.

Did… did he just hear voices coming from them?

_This isn’t real, this can’t be real,_ he thought, looking around wildly. _The butterflies only appear to FUSIONS. I-I’m not a fusion right now, I’m…_

Realization set in that he actually, from a literal standpoint, WAS a fusion. Which explained a lot, actually…

Shrinking back down to normal size for the time being, Steven forced his mind to relax for just a second. He was a fusion. Something was wrong with him. His gem was causing him to glow pink. Talk to his Gem. Fusions could talk to their components through meditation.

So meditate.

For the second time in a short amount of time, he decided to take Garnet’s advice. He crossed his legs, cupped his hands, lacing his fingers together, and took deep breaths. His glow slowly faded away as he recalled Garnet’s words:

_“Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust. Here comes a thought…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew boy! This one was fun. And hey, image added! The pic was actually what inspired me to write this story! Idk if there’ll be more art later (probably not lmao), but I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Any and all critique is welcome! :)
> 
> EDIT: I tried to get the image to work, but it refused. So, have a link to what I’m talking about ^^;
> 
> https://www.deviantart.com/dimonds456/art/Broken-SUF-SPOILERS-833771906


	3. Here Comes a Thought...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has a conversation with... himself.

Steven opened his eyes slowly, taking in the sudden blueness of it all. He was back in that place that he had been in with Garnet as Stevonnie all those years ago, back when Connie had beaten up Jeff at school. Such a long time ago…

The crystalline blues mixed with splashes of greens and purples there made for some beautiful scenery, but what Steven was most focused on was the fact that it had worked.

In front of him sat two different Stevens, one his normal human self, the other glowing pink, donning an expressionless, neutral face.

Gem Steven looked so much different now. Besides the height difference, it was clear that something had happened to him; he was cracking. Large trails rode up his arms and down his legs, crossing up his neck and onto his cheeks a little bit. The whites of his eyes looked bloodshot, if such a thing could happen, and every part of him just screamed exhaustion. There were easily four times the amount of cracks on Gem Steven than there had been when he looked and saw his reflection in the lake.

Gem Steven looked ready to fall apart at the seams.

Human Steven gasped when he first laid eyes on him, taken aback. “...What happened?” That was all he could think to ask right now. 

Gem Steven broke his stare from Human Steven, looking down at his arms and legs. After a moment, he simply states: “You already know the answer to that.”

Human frowned. “Not really. What happened to us? Why are you so…  _ broken? _ ”

Gem met his eyes again, expression still painfully neutral. “You already know the answer to that.”

Human raised an eyebrow. “Wha…?” 

A butterfly appeared out of the corner of his vision, dancing around. Human eyed it, cautious of it. As it flew closer, he noticed something reflected in its wings.

_ Volleyball. _

The pink pearl’s eye was cracked, the trails of indents running across her cheek and through a bit of her hair. Steven remembered that this was due to her getting hit by Pink, something that had scarred her mentally.

_ She had experienced trauma, too, then, _ Human put together, blinking. 

Human looked back up at his Gem half, and it clicked. Everything that he had been through… it was all manifesting as cracks just like it had with Volleyball. No amount of healing spit could take all that away.

His being half human had just prevented him from seeing it.

“Does…” Human Steven started, looking around as he tried to gather his words, “does it hurt?”

“No.” Gem Steven gazed at Human levely. 

“Why do you- do  _ we _ have so many of them?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

Human frowned. “Stop saying that.”

“It’s the truth. Your emotions-“

“Who cares about my emotions right now? We gotta fix this!” Human Steven stood up, walking closer to his gem. “You’re not doing okay. We gotta find a way to heal you.” 

Gem just looked up at him, unmoving.

Human Steven’s eager look faded, and he clutched at his shirt where the gem was supposed to be. “Can…” He blinked, taking in every single crack. Volley still had hers, even after she started to heal. “...can this  _ be _ fixed?”

Gem Steven didn’t react right away. He maintained his level look, but after a moment, finally broke his gaze. He looked down at the floor. “I don’t know.” His movements came to a rest.

The silence was thick. Human sat back down, but much closer to Gem than he had been before. Gem Steven kept up his staring contest with the ground, not so much as a twitch coming from him.

“...I don’t know.”

Human Steven looked up. His gem was still looking at the ground, but his expression had dropped a bit more. “We are the same being. You’re the emotion, I am the power. Your emotions are causing all this. I am just along for the ride.”

“What does _that_ mean?”

“The reasons I’m breaking.” Gem looked up, finally meeting Human’s eyes. “It’s all in your head. I cannot control that, and therefore, cannot stop it.”

“Well, could you at least stop the  _ glowing?!” _ Human Steven suddenly burst out, throwing his hands out to his sides. “Stressing out about everything is hard enough as it is without creating craters in the sand, or destroying the Reef, or trapping everyone in a dome! You’re the power, so you gotta STOP!”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?!”

“Your emotions control me. You control your emotions. You summon my power to protect you. That is not my fault. I cannot stop it.”

Human cursed under his breath. “Of course. So this is my fault, too. Why not.” 

“That’s false.”

Human stopped. He looked over at Gem, an eyebrow raised in confusion. The cracked gem stood up with a practiced ease, and. The jostle of his movements made Human flinch, worried that Gem would shatter right then and there. 

But he didn’t. Gem quickly got to his feet and approached Human, reaching out and taking one of his hands. They looked at each other for another moment, Gem Steven searching for the right words.

“It isn’’t your fault. It’s mine. My power- the emotional bind… it’s all from me. It’s the gem half’s fault. Pink Diamond had the same problems.”

Human Steven froze. He couldn’t decide whether or not to step forward or backward, so he just stayed where he was. 

“...What do you mean by that?”

The gem opened his mouth to speak, but a sudden noise cut through the air, startling Steven out of his meditation. The blue landscape was swept away, replaced by the darkness of night, and on the ground not ten feet from him buzzed his phone.

Connie’s ringtone once again cut through the air. Steven felt the stress rising in him again. He watched the phone vibrate a few more times, then took a deep breath. Quickly, he reached out and grabbed the phone. His fingers found the power button, and he held it down.

The ringtone was cut off as Steven turned his phone all the way off.

Glowing pink, the boy sat there for a few more minutes, panting, not making another move. After a minute, he stuffed the phone back in his pocket. No more stressful phone calls from Connie, no more texts from Dad or Pearl. They all knew as much as they needed to. 

He’d be home soon. That was final. 

The phone felt light in his pocket as Steven got to his feet. He grimaced. 

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roll credits.
> 
> I am trying to get this story done before 7 on Friday. At this rate, we might make it! Haha! 
> 
> Anyways, Gem Steven is... pretty broken. I realized halfway through writing this that Gem Steven in CYM had none of this, but I also believe that Steven’s mind was in a better place. CYM is what really kicked off the downward spiral, then add in Spinel and you have this. That’s the only way I can justify it lmao.
> 
> Also: I’ve read 2 or 3 stories so far that have had Steven do this, and I wanted to throw my hat into the ring. It really isn’t a bad idea for something like this to happen, and I kinda hope it does? Has Steven ever tried this? Something tells me he hasn’t...
> 
> Anyways! Leave me your thoughts down in the comments! I’d love to hear from you!


	4. Animal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven can’t sleep. (This chapter will be the longest so far, but not the longest in total!)
> 
> (WARNING: Some mild violence and injury!)
> 
> (I literally can’t tell you anything else.)

Why was it always so  _ loud _ in silence?

Every little noise, be it in your own mind or external, was amplified. Things you didn’t even know made noise during the day roared at night as you tried to sleep. Was that fly that flew in through your window bugging you at noon?

Try saying that was annoying compared to the same fly buzzing around your ceiling fan at night as you tried to sleep.

Although he wasn’t back home, the annoyance was mutual. Steven tossed and turned under his sheets, trying to get a wink of sleep, but so far, nothing helped. Every rustle sounded so noisy…

But maybe that was his paranoia betraying him.

Repeatedly, time and time again, Steven heard something moving through the woods. He scolded himself, over and over, that it was just a figure in his imagination. Nothing was there. Oooo, spooky non-existant ghost! Scary! Got to sleep. This isn’t helping.

And yet, the pink glow didn’t leave him.

Tossing and turning, gripping his head, Steven couldn’t help but get more and more frustrated as his irritation built. Twigs cracked nearby. His breathing got faster. The bushes rustled. His heart raced. He swore he heard breathing. He could feel his body begin to grow. 

_ Calm down, Steven, you’re being hysterical,  _ he scolded himself for the fiftieth time.  _ You’re stressing yourself out. Wait, does that mean you’re traumatizing yourself? _ His legs’ length spiked at the thought.  _ NO! No it doesn’t! Calm down! Stars, calm down! Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. _

But no matter what he did, he couldn’t relax.

“Okay, you know what?” He flung the sheets off of himself, standing up. “ _ You know what? _ I’M DONE!” He whipped back the plastic doors of his tent, stepping out into the clearing. “I’M DONE! JUST BE QUIET! THERE’S NOTHING OUT HERE! IF THERE WERE, I’D KNOW! SO JUST  _ STOP!” _

Surprisingly, no shockwave or cracks formed at his raised voice. After Steven took a minute to breathe, he smiled at the thought. He could allow himself that one, small victory, right?

Everything was dead quiet. The rustling seemed to stop, the wind had stopped, and there were no more imaginary breaths from behind his tent. It was deafening.

Good. Glad that was settled.

Steven turned around to look at his tent. The dark blue of the plastic swayed gently, coming to rest as it was.  _ Whoops. _ Maybe he had sent out a shockwave…? Well, as long as he hadn’t done any damage.

He sighed in relief, the pink on his skin fading.  _ Finally. _ Smiling, he walked back towards the tent, reaching out for the flaps. 

_ Crash. _

Freezing, the pink glow returned immediately. There was nothing, absolutely nothing imaginary about that one. Something  _ big _ had just knocked over a bramble of some kind, cracking several things beneath its feet.

_ Crash. Snap. _

Steven whipped around, backing further towards his tent, and found himself staring into the beady black eyes of a brown bear. She was on all fours, glaring at him with a hostility he’d seen oh, so many times before. The faces of both Eyeball and Aquamarine were there, hidden, among so, so many others.

The bear let out a grizzly roar and charged.

Instinctively, Steven’s bubble formed around him. For good measure, he had summoned his shield as well, hovering over his arm. He backed away, tripping over his own feet and landing on his back. The bubble caught him.

The bear tossed herself through the air for the last few feet, snarling. Steven let out a yell in terror, and suddenly, spikes shot up from the bubble’s edge.

The bear had thrown herself right on top of them.

Steven couldn’t look away as he heard her roar in pain. She fell to the ground, landing on all fours, and backed away. The impact had severely hurt her, though, and she fell to her side before making it out of the clearing.

_ No… no no no what have I done?! _

The bubble dropped. Steven flung his shield away, not watching as it dissolved in the ferns nearby. He raced towards the bear, kneeling down just out of her arm’s reach. 

“Okay, okay, I-I’m sorry! I d-didn’t mean to- okay, listen, just don’t move…”

He licked his palm, then quickly moved to heal her. Before he could, though, the brown bear roared and swiped at him. Steven stumbled backwards, holding his arm. After a second, he looked at it. The jacket had four slash marks cutting through it now, but there wasn’t any blood.

_ Just like usual, _ he reminded himself. Though that reassuring statement didn’t sound so reassuring anymore, not after what happened at the hospital…

He still had the spit on his hand, and quickly moved in again. Before the bear could react, he’d slapped the part of her that had been hurt. The bear grunted in surprise as she healed, first shocked, then scared. Quickly, she got to her feet and ran back into the forest from whence she came.

Steven sat there panting. The glow wouldn’t leave his skin. He’d hurt that bear. She had probably been acting out of fear, just like he was, and he’d hurt her.

He was even more dangerous than he’d initially realized.

_ Just like Pink Diamond. _

Steven shook his head, but the thought was there now. He was his mother. That bear had been Volleyball.

He’d hurt her. 

Who knows how many more people he’d hurt in the future?

He looked back at his camp, silent and still. A light wind had picked back up again, and the tent flaps fluttered gently in the breeze. It looked too peaceful. He couldn’t ruin it.

Besides, there was literally no way he was going to sleep after what just happened, or if he did, it would be full of nothing but nightmares.

He remained where he was on the forest floor, but spun his legs around again. His gem half’s voice still rang in his ears. He had to find out what he’d meant.

_ Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and- _

The bear tore through his mind, disrupting his trail of thought. Okay, try again.

_ Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and- _

Her injured shriek rang in his ears. Steven frowned, shaking his head.

_ Take a moment to think of just flexibili- _

Volleyball’s startled shout as Steven broke the walls of the Reef, her hands to her head in fear, collapsing to crouch behind Pearl, who moved in between the two in a protective way…

_ Take a moment to think- _

_ “It isn't your fault. It’s mine. My power- the emotional bind… it’s all from me. It’s the gem half’s fault. Pink Diamond had the same problems.” _

_ Take a moment… _

But his mind just wouldn’t. There was too much noise, too many thoughts. It was so noisy.

Frustrated, Steven slammed his hand on the ground. He stood up and roughly ran a hand through his hair. Glaring at nothing, Steven stomped off into the woods to catch his breath, making sure to go in a different direction than the bear.

Maybe a walk could clear his head? It’s worked before. Fresh air was scientifically proven to help calm oneself down. He heard Connie’s voice in his mind as he remembered her telling him that one time, over the phone. 

Before his mind could stop it, it was filled with memories of her; her smile, her laugh, the times they had fun together, right down to the failed proposal that had gone down recently.

And right before that happened, they had taken a walk down the beach together.

“No, no stop!” Steven yelled at himself, holding his head. This wasn’t helping. He shook his head, clearing it of  _ some  _ of the noise, at least, and continued his walk.

What was supposed to help ultimately made everything worse. He couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t stop wishing for things or places that weren’t available to him right now, and stars forbid he thought about Connie right now. He had walked for only about twenty minutes before he growled to himself, stopping.

“Why isn’t anything  _ working?!” _ Steven asked the forest around him. “I keep trying to relax, trying not to think, I try to control myself, but it just makes  _ everything WORSE!” _

His voice rang out strongly through the pines and oaks around him, echoing a small echo back at him that one would have to strain to hear, and even then, may not.

His fist clenched. Why was he so  _ angry? _ All the time? Was it him? Well, that was a dumb question; it was  _ always _ his fault at this point.

Acting without thinking, Steven reared back and drove his fist into the trunk of a nearby tree. The force of it put cracks through the tree’s trunk, and after a second of suspense, it fell. Wood cracked and snapped as the tree allowed the earth to pull it down, branches hitting other tree s nearby that had nothing to do with this display.

Birds cried out in alarm and flew away, but not all could. A few bird’s nests came down, too, though thankfully, none of the little ones were hurt too badly.

Steven didn’t even notice.

He fought a losing battle to control his breathing, tears brewing at the corners of his eyes. He looked down, eyes wide, at his hand. His fingers were spread wide with tension, the glow trying to mask what Steven was seeing but doing a poor job of it.

Cracks rode down has palm, sourcing from his knuckles. The back of his hand was worse, with the fractures running up to Steven’s wrist. Blood trickled out, not a lot, but enough for Steven to realize;

_ Something’s wrong with me. _

He had just found out earlier that same week that his injuries healed themselves as soon as they happened. His healing magic kept him alive for so long…

So why weren’t they working now?

In a panic, Steven licked his left hand, the less-dominant one, and slapped it against his right. The blood vanished. The cracks did not.

Hyperventilating now, Steven reached into his jacket pocket for his phone, only to come to the realization that he’d left it back at camp. 

He needed to get back. Now.

There was no fixing this. So, unless he wanted to stay out here in the woods forever and alone, he needed to get home. Now.

Only problem was, he had no idea where in the great, big forest he was…

Choosing the direction that seemed the most likely, Steven began to head back towards camp. He had to trust that this was the right direction, or that he hadn’t taken any major turns on his walk. He hadn’t been paying attention, lost in his thoughts-!

_ That doesn’t matter right now! _

Taking one more second to be sure this could be the right direction, Steven wiped his tired eyes and  _ ran. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO THAT HAPPENED.
> 
> Let me know you’re thoughts in the comments! If you want to critique what I’m doing/point out any mistakes, go on ahead! It’d be appreciated! :)


	5. Boy VS Brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven continues to run.

_ This was the wrong way this was the wrong way this was the wrong way! _

Steven tore through the undergrowth, running fast. It was getting harder and harder to see through the tears that now streamed down his face, and no matter how many times he wiped them with his dirty sleeve, they came right back.

How long had he run for? It felt like forever. It must have been a while, because the forest around him was completely different. Brambles and thorns curled around each other in thick knots, cutting into Steven’s legs and arms as he passed. The wind was picking up, buffeting from behind and keeping him pushing forward through the bushes of needles.

Butterflies zoomed past the corners of his vision, taunting him in various voices. In their wings he saw memories, thoughts he’d rather forget, and the painful reminder that he was alone. No one knew where he was. No one knew how to get to him. No one could reach him-!

Raising a hand to wipe his eyes once more, Steven noted- to his horror- that they were cut up and bleeding badly.  _ My healing powers! Why aren’t my healing powers working?! _ He only wept harder, started running faster.

He’d get out of this place eventually, wouldn’t he?

More branches cut through, and as one sliced his cheek, Steven winced. His bubble came up on instinct, rolling with him as he-

_ SMACK. _

Nevermind. The bubble was cube-shaped. There was no rolling with this.

Butterflies were now clouding around him like moths to street lamps. He dropped the bubble, waving at them to shoo, but they just laughed at him. One tried to land on his hand, but a quick swat from the glowing teen sent it flying backwards.

Steven continued to run.

How far was the tree line? The lake? The road? Any familiar landmarks? There was nothing but tall, tall, tall trees here. He couldn’t even see their tops.

“Steeeee-ven? Hey, Schtu-ball, you out here? Steven, where are you?”

Immediately, Steven brightened. “DAD?!” His glow didn’t fade, but that didn’t stop the smile from coming though. “Dad, I’m over here! Dad!” He started running again, now in the direction of Greg’s voice.

“Steeee-ven? Steeee-veeeeeen?”

“DAD!” Could Greg hear him? But he sounded so close-!

No matter how much closer Steven got, Greg never seemed to hear him in return. The voice stayed at the same distance it had been. How was Greg moving so fast? And in the opposite direction?

Steven burst through the sharp brambles and fell into a clearing. He caught himself on his elbows, struggling to get up, but something held him down. He looked up instead, towards a familiar desk and chair.

Connie was sitting down, turned away from him. She appeared to be scribbling something down in her notes, and flipped a page in her book. 

Steven’s heart ached. 

“Connie!?” He scrambled away from her, edging back into the woods. Or, at least, he tried. He looked down again, only to see both his wrists bound by glow stick bracelets. They were chained to the ground by identically glowing links, and Steven strained against them. “What? No! C-Connie! Help!” 

But the girl at the desk didn’t react in the slightest. She just kept writing.

Steven, in another attempt to stand, started forcing his way over to her. He was able to get to his feet, but the bracelets held him back. His arms behind him now, he tugged against their restraint, but to no avail.

“Connie, it’s me! Why won’t you look at me?! Hey!”

Connie closed her book, turned off her desk lamp, and stood up.

Suddenly, the chains started pulling him backwards. Steven gasped, nearly getting thrown off his feet for a second, before pushing against them again. The brambles of the woods grew longer, sharper, waiting for him.

“CONNIE!”

The clearing started to fade to black. As it did, Connie finally turned around, and met Steven’s eyes. Her smile faded, but she didn’t have time to show a further reaction before getting swallowed up by the darkness. 

Back in the thicket again, Steven put up a fight, but not a very strong one. After a while, he basically gave up, only resisting enough to stay upright on two legs.

Something roared. The chains jerked violently to the side, rotating Steven, so he was face-to-face with the brown bear from earlier. She was glowing that Lion-Lars pink, and she growled at him angrily. The cub by her foot, which was thankfully still its natural color, mimicked his mother’s expressions, growling. 

Behind them was a felled tree, broken by sheer force, and on the ground littered around it were bunches of bird’s nests, broken and damaged. Little ones crowded together near the ruined remains of their homes, their parents not too far away.

They all were colored pink like Lion.

Steven tried to reach out a hand to them, but remembered the force holding his arms back. He pulled against the restraint, and suddenly, it was gone. The force of it- or lack thereof- knocked the kid off-balance, and he pitched forward, falling through the floor.

Head-first, Steven shot downward through a black void. It would have been pitch black if not for the dozens upon dozens of butterflies that swarmed around him. Their voices cut through the silence, mocking him.

_ “Why do I need to be needed?!” _

_ “I used to be helpful, but the Gems don’t need me.” _

_ “I’m useless!” _

_ “No one needs your help! So why are you still here?” _

_ “This is all my fault. I’m sorry,” _

_ “Hmm, you’re right, Steven. It’s your fault.” _

_ “You’re right, Universe. This IS all your fault!” _

_ “This is all because of your… weird mom!” _

_ “I just feel so… trapped.” _

_ “Zero plus zero equals zero. I guess I’m living proof that’s true.” _

_ “BE QUIET!” _

The voices screamed at him, at each other, somehow forming a coherent conversation in old voice clips he’d heard in the past. Voices laughed, others cried, and none of it would end.

_ “I wonder if your body is reacting to a Gem equivalent of cortisol…” _

_ “Spot on!” _

_ You’ve recovered physically, but have you recovered mentally?” _

_ “Is that a no?” _

Steven gripped his head, willing the noise to go away. Tears streamed past his feet as he fell, faster and faster. Looking up, Steven saw the ground approaching fast, the light color of the beach dulled by the moonlight coming from below him now.

Steven willed his floating powers to activate, but nothing happened. He just braced as he dove right into the sand…

It splashed around his feet, moving like water, as he plunged head-first into its depths. Opening his eyes, he saw light streaming down through little cracks above. But, he was still falling, just much slower now. Sinking was the better term for it.

He landed flat on his back. He stayed there, trying to will his heart to stay still, but it just wouldn’t. It raced even faster as a familiar face bent over him.

Gem Steven gazed down, his neutral expression meeting his eyes. They gazed at each other for a moment, before Gem broke out into a smile.

“Look at you. Are you giving up? Isn’t that what your mother did? Isn’t that how you got here?” He chuckled, a hollow sound coming from him. 

“No… no! You’re wrong! I-I’m nothing like her! We’ve already been over this!” Steven shouted back. He brought a glowing arm up to his eyes, hoping to wipe the tears again, but noted that they were still coated in red. He froze.

“Oh, don’t even. You can be two different people and still tread the same path.” Gem grinned. “It’s the nature of the Pink Diamond gemstone. You of all people should know that.”

Steven blinked. “What?” He looked to the side, thinking of a response, but before he could, the ground swallowed him up again.

The fall was faster and shorter. He landed on the ground hard on his arm, yelping from the force of it, and tried to stand. His cracked arm ached, and he let himself fall to the floor. 

Looking up instead, he looked into his mother’s eyes, staring back at him from a mirror. She smiled her kind, loving smile, then extended a hand.

_ “It’s okay to be selfish. Don’t you want to, Steven?” _

“NO!” In a sudden burst of energy, Steven stood up. He ran towards her, reared back his right arm, and shattered the mirror. The cracks down his arm grew in length, causing him to cry out, and he fell to his knees.

Around him lay the broken pieces of glowing white glass, looking back at him, taunting him, before they spread wings and took flight.

The air was completely filled with butterflies.

It was only after they all swarmed him that he finally woke up.

* * * * * 

His legs were sore. His arm hurt. Steven blinked dirt from his eyes, looking around for a moment.

The forest loomed above him, the light of dawn still nowhere in sight. He couldn’t see above him, not very well, and when he tried to push himself up to get a better view, pain rocketed up his arm and he fell back to the ground.

His legs were curved up awkwardly behind him, and it only took the kid a second to understand what must’ve happened; he’d tripped on a log and fell face-first into the earth. Had he been sleep-running? Did this knock him out? Everything was a blur. 

Gritting his teeth, Steven tried again, this time putting more weight on his left arm than his right, but the result was the same. One more time, he planted his fingers in the dirt and  _ pushed. _

After a few agonizing seconds, he collapsed back into the soil.

_ This is okay, _ Steven thought.  _ Don’t worry. In just a few hours, someone will come looking for you. They’ll realize you haven’t texted or called them back and think something went wrong… _

_ But, would they? Last time you texted them, you said you’d be back soon. You told them not to worry. Then, you hung up on Connie and ignored them, telling them that you just wanted to be alone. So why would they come looking for you? _

_ Besides, this is better. You are in the woods, where you can’t hurt anyone else and can’t hold them back. Dad will go back on his tour, the Gems will keep running Little Homeschool, more and more students will graduate, Connie will get to go to her dream college and become the President, and it’s all because you’re out here. Isn’t that what you wanted? _

_ Isn’t that what you were fighting for? _

_ No one needs you anymore. There’s no point in trying to get up. You physically can’t, anyways. Just rest. In the morning, you can find your way back to camp. Or just stay out here, whichever. _

_ This is what you wanted. _

Steven tried to bring up an argument with himself, but found that he couldn’t. It was true; no one needed him anymore. People were doing better. He had fought with his very life for people to be able to live on and be alive in peace. That’s what they were doing. He had been successful. 

So… why did success  _ hurt _ so much?

Crossing his arms, Steven let his head fall down, letting out all the pent-up emotion he’d been feeling for months now flow free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was fun but painful to write...
> 
> So, I’m not normally one for writing dream sequences, mostly because I don’t know how, so I think this came out pretty... okay? It went more wild than I originally planned, which is honestly a good thing (meaning I’m getting better at this, right?), but this poor child. 
> 
> The title is a reference to “Nightmare,” a song from Zach Callison’s album, “A Picture Perfect Hollywood Heartbreak.” Zach is Steven’s official VO, btw, and I really recommend listening to the full album. It S L A P S .
> 
> We’re halfway done! Be warned, the next chapter may tug at some heartstrings...


	6. Group Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems, Maheswarans, and Greg have a serious discussion.
> 
> (WARNING: Dialogue-heavy chapter!)

The tension ran thick through the air, suffocating everyone in the room. Everyone looked at each other nervously, no one quite sure what to say. What  _ was _ there to say? Steven’s absence spoke in volumes all on its own.

_ “It’s okay, I’m fine,”  _ Greg heard his voice in his ears.  _ “Really, Dad, don’t worry about me. In fact, it’s getting late. You should get back to your tour. Go have fun!” _

Greg realized with a pang that even though he was imagining Steven’s voice, it was exactly what he’d say. And it had a double meaning.

He continued to pace around the main area of the house, brows furrowed. He eyed the floor, deep in thought, trying to figure out the  _ whys _ and the  _ hows _ and every other question in his mind right now.

_ Why would my boy run away? _

_ Why didn’t I realize sooner? _

He stopped for just a moment, turning to Pearl. “Are you sure you don’t know where he went,” Greg prompted for what was probably the fiftieth time. “Anything at all?”

“Greg, we’re just as upset as you,” Amethyst cut in. “If we knew anything, we’d tell you!”

“Amethyst. Calm down.” Garnet turned her head in the small, purple gem’s direction. “Snapping at him isn’t helping.”

“Well, him repeating himself isn’t helping either!”

_ “Amethyst.” _

“To actually answer your question,” Pearl spoke up, “no. I’m sorry, Greg. All of us were working at the school.”

“You couldn’t bring him along?”

“He woulda said ‘no’ anyways,” Amethyst muttered, leaning back on the couch and crossing her legs. 

Greg tried to think of something else to say, but instead, turned back to his phone. He’d texted Steven so many times, hoping for a response, and he’d only gotten one this whole time. 

_ “Just taking a little time. I’ll be home soon.” _

Greg wanted to trust Steven, he really did, but after the whole hospital situation, there was no way that being alone was healthy for him. This wasn’t the first time Steven had done something like this, but never this extreme. Did Steven not think he could trust them? 

There was a knock on the door. Amethyst straightened up, smiling in relief, as the other two gems had similar reactions.

Greg ran to it, grabbing the handle and throwing it open. “Connie, Doctor Maheswaran! You’re here!” The relief on his face was immeasurable. “Come in, come in.”

Connie, dressed in casual wear with a bag slung over her shoulder, entered first. Priyanka Maheswaran followed immediately afterwards, her eyes scanning from face to face as she tried to read the room.

“Still no word on Steven, I’ll take it,” she asked. 

Greg’s relieved look fell. “No. Not yet.”

“I haven’t gotten any more clues since he hung up on me earlier,” Connie commented, pulling her phone out of her pocket. “Whatever’s going on, we’re going to get to the bottom of it.” She looked up at Greg, putting a hand on his arm. “Promise.”

Greg smiled lightly at her in return.

“Wait, hold up- Steven  _ hung up _ on you?!” There was no hiding the shock on the purple gem’s face.

Connie nodded solemnly. “Pretty much, yeah. He didn’t even answer, he just let it go to voicemail. And since then, none of my calls have even gotten the chance to ring. He must have turned off his phone.”

“But why would Steven be doing this!?” Greg threw out his arms. “Is he mad at us? What did we do?”

“Maybe he just wanted some time to himself. It’s not unusual for someone his age,” Pearl spoke up from the couch.

“But he  _ shouldn’t _ be alone right now, not after everything that’s happened to him!” Greg felt his emotions rising, but he couldn’t fall apart right now. He needed to keep it together. For Steven. He took in a deep breath, then turned back to Pearl. “After what happened at the hospital, after what he told me… I don’t think he should be alone. He can push people away all he likes, but we have to stay by his side, whether he wants us to be there or not.”

“I’ll say,” Priyanka spoke up. “After everything he’s been through, I’m honestly surprised he’s even able to function right now.”

All eyes turned to her.

“Yo dude, what the heck is THAT supposed to mean?”

“It doesn’t matter. Whatever’s happened to Steven, we have to go make it right,” Garnet announced, standing up.

“Right,” Pearl and Amethyst both said at the same time, standing.

“Now hold on,” Priyanka held up her hands. “This isn’t something that you lot can just… punch. Steven’s dealing with trauma, and that’s different.”

“He’s  _ WHAT?!”  _ Greg grabbed Priyanka by the shoulders, looking into her eyes worriedly. “Why? How? When did-? Why didn’t we-?”

“Mr. Universe,” Priyanka gently pushed him away, “please calm down. You can’t help with a worried head.”

Greg was shaking, but he took another deep breath, steadying himself. “Okay.”

“Steven’s experiencing… trauma?” Amethyst piped up softly from her renewed spot on the comforter. “Isn’t that just, like, flashbacks ‘n stuff? ‘Cause Steven’s dealt with worse…”

Priyanka shook her head. “No, it’s much more serious than that,” she said.

“Well, that is how they usually portray it in the media…” Connie spoke up from her mother’s side.

“Unfortunately, that’s true.” 

“So what are we supposed to do?” Greg’s voice was small.

“Uh, how about filling us in?” Amethyst crossed her arms. “Obviously this isn’t what I thought it was, so if it’s worse than anything else he’s faced, then shouldn’t we know what it is?”

Garnet and Pearl both nodded in agreement.

Priyanka looked down. “Right. Okay. Well, to simplify, post-traumatic stress disorder- or PTSD- is a reaction you have after you’ve experienced something traumatizing or mentally scarring. I don’t know the full scope of what young Universe has been through, but from the few things he told me about, the ‘early stuff,’ as he put it, he has more than plenty of events to choose from. All of it is manifesting into something physical, and his body is now trained to respond to minor or even non-existent threats as if his life were in danger. His senses become amplified, and his fight-or-flight reflex kicks in. It’s what he has been trained to do up to this point.”

The gems were silent. Connie looked to the ground, her mind clearly thinking of something, but all Greg could think of was Steven’s smile. It had looked so real before, but looking back, Greg began to note that it wasn’t as genuine as it used to be. No wonder he hadn’t noticed; it was the smile he’d gotten used to seeing for  _ years. _

“Garnet,” Pearl eventually broke the silence, her voice soft, “do you think this is why Steven ran away? His ‘flight’ response?”

Garnet reached up to touch her visor, the star-shaped glasses fizzing out of existence in a small shower of sparkles. Her three eyes were revealed to be looking at the ground, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. “I don’t know,” she answered just as softly. “There was nothing here to make him want to run, was there?”

“Of COURSE not!” Amethyst shouted suddenly, getting to her feet. “There’s never been anything here that would push him to just  _ RUN AWAY _ like that! We’re here! We’ve always made sure that he’s safe, and we…” She trailed off, her face shifting from frustrated to worried as a realization sunk in. “It’s us,” she murmured half to herself. “We’re the reason Steven fled.”

“WHAT! That’s ridiculous!” Pearl stood up now. “We’d never hurt him! He knows that!”

“It’s not about that, P! We hurt him in  _ other ways!” _

“What are you  _ talking  _ about?!”

“Two years ago, remember when Steven and I had a fight up by the Ruins?”

_ (“You WHAT?!”) _

“Of course I remember that! You two  _ destroyed _ it!”

Amethyst took a deep breath, moving an arm up to squeeze the other. “Well, the reason we went up there was because we… we wanted to prove that we were the worst Crystal Gem. Like, I wanted to prove that I was the worst and Steven wanted to prove that he was worst.”

Greg took a few steps forward. “But Steven wanted to be on the team so much. Why would he want to be the worst? He always tried so hard…”

“That’s exactly my point!” Amethyst threw her arms out to the side. “We both were super weak compared to Garnet and Pearl, and I’ve always hated that! Then Steven showed up, and finally there was someone who was less skilled than I was. Until, one day, he wasn’t! Then Jasper beat me in battle while Stevonnie sent her crawling back into the ocean! It made me realize that he was stronger than me, and I was the worst Crystal Gem all over again. So I got frustrated, and it made me suck even more.

“One day, Steven called me up to play video games with him, and he let me win on purpose. We got into a fight over it, and after I told him about how I was feeling, he told me that he was still the worst. It escalated until he challenged me to a fight, wanting to prove that I could beat him. No holding back, just dueling it out. It was the fight that Steven first realized that he could put spikes on his bubble.

“It ended in a draw, and we talked it out. I realized that Steven had been trying even harder then me to be better because he wasn’t Rose. Everyone put her up on this pedestal that Steven felt he had to reach. He is not Rose, and never would be. And he…” She trailed off for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Looking back, I think I just realized that he must have felt like he had to be her, and that by being Steven, he was holding us back.” She looked up from her view of the hardwood floor, meeting all their eyes in turn. “We were the problem the whole time.”

The silence was palpable. No one moved, the humans scarcely dared to breathe, the air was so thick with tension. 

Finally, Greg broke the silence. He took a hesitant step forward, then another. Tears were welling at the corners of his eyes. “Did… did that really happen?”

Amethyst met his eye, then regretted it, looking away. “Yeah.”

Greg dropped to his knees. He felt an arm come up behind him, rubbing his back, and he recognized its shape as Connie’s. He made no reaction to it, however, and just let the tears fall.

_ My boy… _

“Anyone else like to confess something that may have contributed to Steven’s troubles,” Priyanka spoke up, not in an accusing way, but more of a worried one. “If anyone has something to say, please say so.”

For a moment, no one moved, until Pearl stood up. All eyes fell on her as she gathered her words. 

“Well, upon recent light of realizing…  _ that,  _ I think I may have… a  _ few _ confessions to make,” she murmured. She took a deep breath, then spoke clearly; 

“I, too, am guilty of making Steven feel like he had to be Rose. So many times, I compared him to her. Once, I even asked him if she could see me through his eyes. When training Connie, I even called him Rose- by accident, of course. I guess I just never realized what that was doing to him.”

“I think all of us have compared him to her at some point or another,” Garnet spoke up. “We just… struggled to move on.”

“B-but then Steven  _ helped _ us to move on!” Pearl spoke up, wiping her eyes. “He got Greg and I to get along, helped Greg and Amethyst, and just cared for us so deeply. We’d be  _ lost _ if it weren’t for him!”

Amethyst opened her mouth to say something as well, but a loud  _ AHEM! _ from Doctor Maheswaran quieted her.

“I think I understand. From what Steven’s told me, you all have had… quite the adventures together, haven’t you? He mentioned Amethyst nearly dying in front of him, Pearl  _ actually _ dying- I’m sure there must be some Gem equivalent as you don’t  _ look _ like a ghost to me- Garnet getting… ‘destabilized,’ getting a black eye, kidnapped, and being stuck in space on a ship, and after I cut him off, he claimed that all of the above was only ‘the early stuff.’ Plus what you all have just told me, this is even  _ more _ serious than any of us realized, possibly even him. And from the looks of things, he rarely opened up about how he was feeling. Is that true?”

“No…?” Amethyst looked around at the faces around her. Greg looked down, wondering the same thoughts she was:

_ How much hasn’t he told us? Told me? _

“This is my fault.”

All heads turned to Garnet. The fusion had her head tilted towards the ground, but all three eyes were locked with Connie’s. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. “It was my idea for him to propose to you, Connie. One of the few times he opened up about how he was feeling, I told him to go for it. Well, Ruby and Sapphire told him to go for it. When you said no, it must have  _ destroyed _ him…”

Connie seemed surprised for a second. “Woah woah woah, hold on. I didn’t say ‘no,’ I said ‘not now.’ I even clarified that to him.”

“But he still took it as a ‘no’ anyways,” Pearl murmured.

“But, he’s usually so… optimistic,” Amethyst wondered aloud. “Wouldn’t he be relieved that you didn’t say no?”

“I think he’s hit a low point,” Priyanka spoke up again, rubbing her chin. “His reaction to you at the hospital makes more sense now.”

“But we can help him with this, right?” Connie’s eyes were wide with worry. “He’s done so much for everyone here, can’t we do the same for him?”

Priyanka nodded. “Yes. Steven is in a dark place right now, but with your help- all of you- you can help pull him out. But if he thinks he can do it by himself, then he’s wrong. Trying to do something like this on your own makes it worse. You can feel helpless and abandoned, as if no one cares about you, even if you know logically that that isn’t true. In fact,” Priyanka looked down at the table, “I’m starting to think that PTSD is only the beginning of Steven’s problems.”

Greg moved to stand, his hand pushing against the coffee table for support. “What does that mean,” he asked.

“Mom,” Connie’s eyes looked away for a second, then back to Priyanka. “You don’t think he’s dealing with  _ depression, _ do you?”

“Well, that would make sense. The two often go hand-in-hand.”

“Let me guess,” Amethyst piped up again, “you’re about to tell us that depression is more than just feeling sad, aren’t you?”

Priyanka nodded. “Unfortunately, yes. Depression can make you feel like you’re nothing, or that no one wants or needs you around.”

Something clicked in Greg’s mind. He turned to the doctor, taking a second to wipe his eyes. “Doc, say that again.”

Priyanka looked surprised for a second, then took a second to recollect her thoughts. “Depression makes you feel like you’re nothing, no one wants you, and you’re not needed?”

Greg’s eyes widened. “Not needed?” He looked back at the gems. “Garnet, what has Steven been doing since he left Little Homeworld?”

“Uhh…” Garnet’s eyes flickered away, but the question was already answered.

Nothing.

“Gah, of course,” Connie burst out, hand coming up to gently smack the side of her face. “It makes sense. That’s why he proposed to me, isn’t it? He wanted to feel  _ needed. _ He thought that if anyone could make him feel like that, it’d be me… it’d be Stevonnie…”

Priyanka blinked. “Stevonnie?”

Connie nodded. “We always feel so confident when we’re fused together. Ready to tackle anything. The last time we were fused, at the roller rink, that feeling had been… diminished? We still had fun and I honestly barely noticed, but looking back…”

“He wanted a boost in confidence,” Pearl finished. She and Amethyst glanced at each other, then both turned their gazes to Garnet.

They knew all too well what it meant to feel that way.

“Mom, should I have said yes?” Connie looked up at her mother, worry crossing every feature. “I mean, I know we’re too young and I’m honestly not ready, but-“

“No. No, you handled that very well.” Priyanka crouched down to Connie’s level (which wasn’t that short), meeting her eye. “I’m very proud of you for the way you reacted. Some teens do get married at such a young age, but neither of you are ready yet. Besides, I wouldn’t have approved that anyways.”

“Your mom’s right.” Greg walked up to them now, smiling a weak smile. “If I were in your shoes, I don’t know what I would have done. I’m proud of you.”

Connie smiled lightly, but then dropped it. “So, what do we do about Steven? I don’t want to say yes right now, but me saying no made it so much worse…”

“We find him and talk to him.” Garnet stood up again, slower this time. “I know Steven wants to be alone right now, but after everything that we just discovered, it’s safe to say that leaving him unattended is the worst thing we can do for him right now. So, we go find him, whether he wants us to or not.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Amethyst smiled determinedly. 

Greg straightened. This was something he could do. None of this was “gem stuff.” Even if it was, there was no way they’d get him to stay home. “So, what’s the plan,” he asked, saying it more like a statement.

“I think we should split up,” Pearl announced. “We’ll cover more ground that way. Amethyst, you’re with me.”

The quartz nodded.

“Garnet, you go on your own. You can take Funland. Connie, Priyanka, you two take the beach.”

The three nodded, Connie and Priyanka looking at each other with a smile.

“Greg, you take the woods. It’s a big area to cover, and once we’re done, we’ll come help you. Are you up for it?”

Greg nodded confidently.

“Then it’s settled. Amethyst, you and I will handle the residencies.”

“Wait, what about the school?” Amethyst met Pearl’s eye. “Should we call-“

“Call Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot, good thinking! I’ll do that right now!” Pearl pulled her phone out of her gem and started tapping away at it, pulling up her contacts.

After she was done, the room felt small. Determination filled the air, everyone itching to get a move on.

“Now, once anyone has found any clues as to Steven’s potential whereabouts, send out a text. I’ve just started a group chat with all of you,” Pearl announced proudly. “Even if it might be nothing, tell us. In fact, process of elimination may work, too, so if you find nothing, let us know. Everyone have their cellular devices?”

The group nodded, some of its members even reaching for theirs to prove it.

“Then it’s settled.”

“Now, let’s go find Steven!” Connie pointed dramatically out the front door. 

The group agreed, and like a wave, they stepped out into the world and dispersed.

They were going to bring Steven home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if this one dragged on ^^;
> 
> Let me know your thoughts down in the comments! If you have any critiques, let me know. I’d be very happy and grateful to hear from y’all.
> 
> Chapter 7 won’t be as dialogue-heavy.


	7. Breadcrumbs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg continues his search to find Steven.

The road was empty, save for a single vehicle. Greg knew that there were very few cops around here, and there would be even fewer out at this hour, and decided that speeding was worth the risk. If he got pulled over, he’d convince the cop to help him search.

It had only been a short while on the road. Once the group had split up, Greg immediately got in his van and took off, taking the winding road past the woods, looking for any clues along the sides. So far, there’d been nothing.

The forest was such a large area to cover. Why had he thought he could tackle this alone?

Well, the gems would be with him soon. As soon as their much smaller areas were covered, they’d swing by to help him. Although, it may take an entire army of gems to search an area this vast.

Oh well. One person was better than no one.

Suddenly, something caught Greg’s eye. He passed it, skidding to a stop and throwing the van in reverse. After backing up a ways, he realized that the dark streaks he’d seen had been tire tracks, torn into the dirt by someone making a hasty right turn.

Greg squinted. Could that be something?

Deciding to check it out, Greg threw the van in drive and veered off the road, following the tracks. They lead into the woods, and although he lost them for a moment, something shining a familiar grey paint caught his eye.

The Dondai was parked not too far ahead of him.

Quickly, Greg reached for his phone. He turned on flash and took a picture of the vehicle. Sending it out to the group chat, he added the caption:

_I think I might have found him._

He put his phone in his pocket, ignoring it as it instantly blew up with texts. He could read their reactions later. For now, he had to bring his boy home.

He popped open the door of the van and stepped out into the cool, late-summer air. The forest was silent, almost scary, but Greg ignored the discomfort itching in his mind. He instead walked closer to the Dondai, running a hand down her side. Upon looking in the window, he noted several of Steven’s belongings.

This was definitely him.

Greg snapped another picture and sent it out, catching a glimpse of the replies as he did so. Pearl and Amethyst were on their way, Garnet had advised not to be too loud as to not scare him, and the Maheswarans were headed back to the beach house to get in their car as well. Priyanka had asked how they were to find them.

_“There’s a set of tracks that veer off the road a couple of miles out. Follow those into the woods”_ Greg replied.

Connie replied with a thumbs-up emoji.

_“Got it. We’ll be ther soon.”_ Peal replied. Greg wondered how Pearl of all people managed to misspell “there,” but realized how fast she must be typing. 

It was up to him for now. He’d gotten this far.

Keeping his phone out this time, Greg turned on the flashlight. Somehow, that made the woods even creepier, but again, Greg ignored it. He panned the light around, looking for any clues as to where Steven might have gone after this, and saw something billowing in the soft breeze nearby. Upon stepping closer, Greg realized that it was a makeshift camp.

The tent was set up poorly, with some ropes strung up around its sides to keep the tarp in place. It was set up in a small clearing, which Greg had to admit looked pretty, but he also noted more alarming features, namely the blood spattered on the ground, claw marks torn into the soil, and spike-shaped penetrations in the ground.

_A fight happened here._

Had Steven been attacked?

Greg rushed to the tent, peering inside. He scanned the light over every inch, first noting that Steven was not here, then realizing that his phone was sitting on the ground next to a blow-up mattress. 

Greg took more pictures, this time giving the group a detailed description of his thoughts so far. Steven had definitely been here, and he had, in fact, turned off his phone. The device itself was only at 53%, so it hadn’t died.

After turning it on to check its battery life, Greg noted immediately that his son’s inbox was _full._ Six missed calls, 23 missed texts, and a few miscellaneous emails took over his lock screen, demanding attention.

Greg pocketed the phone and continued his search.

“Steven? Steven, can you hear me?” Greg called into the night, just softly enough as to not awaken whatever had attacked him earlier. Greg was more than confident that Steven was alive, but had he been hurt? _He has healing powers._ What about the blood? _If he healed himself, the blood wouldn’t just go back into his body. Besides, that might not be his._

The more he thought about it, the more worried Greg got.

“Steven?”

The flashlight continued to scan the area, hoping to find more clues. 

He was in luck. A trail of footprints had been etched into the ground, the dirt having shifted under the force. They were human-shaped, meaning that Steven was okay, and Greg had a trail he could follow.

He quickly took a picture and typed the caption _“Footprints”_ underneath so everyone could understand what they were supposed to be looking for in case they hadn’t seen them.

The walk through the forest was a quiet one. Every now and then, Greg called out for Steven, letting his son’s name echo through the trees, but time and time again, there was no answer. The footprints carried on.

After about twenty minutes of hiking, Greg came to a stop. His eyes widened at the view in front of him.

A tree had been knocked over, the trunk reaching up to be about Steven’s eye level, maybe a bit shorter. Cracks cut through the bark, and pieces of wood chips sprinkled the ground. Several baby birds were chirping, although the majority of them on the ground were silent, covered up in the wings of their parents that had flown down to protect them.

_What had done this?_

Greg saw no indications of another fight. There was no blood that he could see, although maybe it was just too dark, and it looked as if the tree had been recently- and violently- felled.

_Had Steven done this?_

Greg turned from the tree, moving the light to scan around the remaining area. To his horror, Greg noted a bright pink piece of cloth hung on a bramble nearby. Greg walked closer, then scanned the woods behind it.

More footprints, deeper now, cut into the earth, and on the brambles and trees surrounding them, a trail of scattered pink and blue breadcrumbs had been left behind.

_Steven._

Greg almost forgot to take pictures before running after him.

* * * * * 

The sun had begun to come up, the dark blue of the night being dispersed as reds and oranges began to appear. It was to be a beautiful sunrise, if Greg had the opportunity to see it.

However, he had other things to attend to.

He’d run for about ten minutes before he had to slow, mostly because he was exhausted, but also because the thicket was getting thicker. The footprints left behind by Steven continued straight, though, so Greg determinedly followed suit. It had been close to forty minutes.

Steven had to have gotten tired by now.

The bread trail of torn cotton and jeans had since ceased, but the footprints were still a clear tell. Greg didn’t need any other clues to tell him where to go at this point. However, the tracks had started to get steadily shallower, Steven’s running pattern becoming weaker and weaker.

He had started to slow down.

“Steven?” Greg called out again, pushing his way through a particularly sharp bush. “Steven, where are you?”

He maneuvered the flashlight past a tree trunk that was right in the middle of the path. The footprints had skidded around it, dirt thrown up in the air, and upon seeing this, Greg felt a spike of panic. Had Steven lost balance? Did he fall?

Upon coming around the tree himself, Greg’s questions were answered.

Steven lay face-down in the ground, his arms wrapped around his head. His feet were tilted in the air, positioned on top of a fallen log that he must have tripped over. His jacket was ripped to shreds, as were the pants of his jeans, and he had many leaves and twigs sticking out of his hair.

“Steven?”

The boy didn’t answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you enjoyed! Sorry this one’s a bit shorter! ^^;


	8. In the Light of the Day...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg finds Steven.

Steven laid on the ground, not having moved a single inch for hours now. His back was starting to hurt, but still, he didn’t move.

Honestly, he scarcely noticed.

Another butterfly landed on his elbow, tickling him, but he made no move to swat it away. He let it rest there, along with the tens of other butterflies that had finally taken a break from swarming around him. That didn’t stop their taunting, however, but at least he was a nice resting stop for them.

As long as a few butterflies weren’t still swarming him, he was okay with that.

He still couldn’t see. Whenever he lifted up his head, all he could see was butterfly wings, shiny and glowing. He was sitting in the middle of a giant cloud of them, their gloating becoming drowned out as his brain stopped trying to process what they were saying.

It was finally a form of quiet.

Right now, Steven’s head was down, his eyelids closed and resting on his cracked arm. That was folded underneath his unharmed one, and it ached softly. It had been a while since Steven had stopped crying, but not long enough that his arm had dried.

It was weird, but Steven realized that he was in a strange form of peace. He was almost tranquil.

That is, until something touched his back.

In an instant, Steven had shot upright, shield at his arm, and twisted away from the attacker. He flung his shield in its general direction, the pink glow returning instantly. He let out a yell in surprise, heart racing. The butterflies flew out of the way, scattering around. 

Greg let out a yipe, ducking beneath the shield as it soared just over his head.

“STEVEN! Steven, it’s me! It’s Dad! Calm down.” Greg reached out and quickly took his son’s hands in his own. “Shhhh, calm down. It’s just me. You’re okay.”

Steven blinked, eyes finally registering what he was seeing. “D… Dad…?” The glow dimmed a bit, before finally fading away. Tears pricked at the corners of Steven’s eyes. “Dad, you’re… y-you’re really…”

Greg nodded, his own eyes tearing up. “Hey, Schtu-ball.”

The butterflies swarmed around the two, but with Greg around, they didn’t dare get close. Their banter had even quieted by a significant amount. 

Steven tried to push himself towards Greg, but found that his legs were still in an awkward position. He reached a hand down towards the ground, hoping to push himself off the log, but remembered too late that his dominant hand was…  _ injured. _ With a cry, he fell on his side, left arm holding the right.

“Steven?!” Greg moved forward, grabbing his phone (which was lying face-up in the dirt with the flashlight still on) and shining the light at Steven’s arm. He gasped at the cracks he saw riding up along it, and at Greg’s touch, Steven realized that they had spread about a third of the way down his arm.

Greg’s eyes flitted back and forth as he tried to think of what to do. “Steven, how did…? When did…?”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Steven croaked out, his voice dry. Greg’s jaw dropped. How did-“

“Don’t tell me  _ ‘it’s fine,’ _ Steven! What happened to you?”

Steven blinked. Using his left arm for support now, he pushed himself up enough that he was able to shift his legs. Greg saw what he was trying to do and lent a hand, gently grasping Steven’s heel and helping pull it over the log. 

Once the teen was free, he curled his knees close to his chest and allowed himself to lean over, his weight being supported by Greg. The man had sat down, and now wrapped an arm around his son.

“I’m sorry,” Steven murmured, voice cracking. 

Greg blinked at him as if he’d just said that it was raining gumballs. “For what?”

“Everything. For throwing my shield at you, for running away, for making you come all the way out here to get me, for not leaving a note, for overreacting at the hospital, for-“

“Steven, Steven, stop.” 

The teen looked up, meeting his father’s eyes. Greg’s brows were creased with concern, but there wasn’t a trace of anger hidden anywhere in his expression.

“Look, I know that there past few weeks have been… stressful, and that running away wasn’t the best choice for you to make, but I don’t think you have anything to really be sorry for.” Greg pulled Steven closer, leaning back against the log. “You didn’t  _ overreact  _ at the hospital. You were stressed out, not only because of what Doctor Maheswaran said, but also because you were in an environment you’ve never been in before. Same goes for you throwing your shield at me just now. I get it; you’re stressed, and you’re reacting accordingly. That isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”

“But I could have hurt you!” Steven looked away, a butterfly hovering close to his ear. “Who knows what could’ve happened if you hadn’t ducked in time. I-I could have seriously hurt you.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Greg smiled. “You’ve done your fair share of doing that. It’s time you start worrying about  _ you.” _

Steven looked up, blinking in confusion. “What do you mean? I’m  _ always _ worried about me. I can hurt people, I put others in danger, I-“

“Steven, don’t you get it? You aren’t worrying about yourself, you’re worrying about other people. How you affect other people… is that what you think worrying about yourself means?”

“Doesn’t it?” Steven looked away for a second, thinking. He was too tired to commit, so he stopped and turned back to his father.

“Oh, Steven…” Greg reached over with his other arm, pulling the other into a hug. “No. Worrying about yourself means focusing on  _ you _ and  _ just _ you. What you think, how you feel…” It looked like the father wanted to say something else, but decided last-second to keep that thought to himself. He sighed, meeting his son’s eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t know anything was wrong sooner. All of us are.”

“All… ‘all of us’?”

Greg reeled back in surprise. “Yes, ‘all of us’! The gems, the Maheswarans… we’re all sorry. If we had known-“

“It’s fine, Dad, don’t wo-“

“Steven, I’m gonna need you to stop saying that.”

Steven leaned back in shock. He let his weight rest on his left arm as he shifted away from Greg. The butterflies backed away several feet, creating a sphere of clear air around the two.

Greg’s dark eyes were focused on Steven, dead serious. Eyebrows creased, lips tense… it wasn’t that he was angry, just concerned.

“Just… stop. We all know that it  _ isn’t _ fine. And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay. But don’t let yourself sink when we’re here for you.”

Steven blinked, then looked away. “I’m… I’m not…”

He couldn’t bring himself to say it.  _ “I’m not sinking.”  _ He was beginning to realize how big a lie that was. If Greg hadn’t told him that, his nightmare surely did. He  _ was _ sinking. But in what? Was there a term for it?

Greg’s hands wrapped around his son’s shoulders. The elder repositioned himself in front of the younger, so they could see eye-to-eye. “Steven Quartz Universe, it’s okay to ask for help. You’ve spent so much of your life helping others… it’s our turn to help you back. We’re not going to let you fall, buddy. I know you probably don’t want to burden us, but trust me when I say that you aren’t a burden. Do you understand?”

Light shone in Steven’s eyes, a tear falling down his cheek. “I… yeah.”

Greg gave a small nod. “Good. Now, repeat after me: I am not a burden. I am going to be okay.”

Steven wiped his eyes, then gave his dad a soft smile. “‘I am not a burden. I am going to be okay.’”

“Now don’t you forget that.” Greg leaned forward, wrapping his son in another hug. This time, he squeezed. 

Steven lifted his arms, hesitating, but returned the embrace. He squeezed, too.

After a moment, they pulled apart. Steven’s lips had broken in a small but genuine smile, and he gave a soft chuckle. 

“I… I guess all this time I… I needed to protect you all. To keep you all safe. But I never thought that you’d do that for me one day. It…” He looked down. “It feels good.”

Greg grinned. “Well, you better get used to it, Schtu-ball, because we’re not leaving you completely alone again until we’re sure that you’re doing better.”

Steven’s eyes widened. “What?! No, y-you don’t have to do that, I wouldn’t want to-“

“Sorry, pal, you can’t talk any of us out of this. We already decided back at the house.”

Steven looked towards the ground.  _ Look at that. They don’t want you leaving the house again. You stressed them out and now they don’t trust you. Why are you so- _

“Hey, remember; ‘I am not a burden.’ Say it again.”

Steven hesitated. “‘I am not a burden.’” 

“Good.”

The two sat there together, listening to the sounds of birds waking up, their cheerful songs filling the air, rising in volume with each passing moment. The tops of the trees suddenly lit up, glowing orange as the sun began to appear.

They both gazed up at this for a moment before Steven looked down again. “So, what happens now? Besides me being put under house arrest.”

“Number one, no one’s putting you under house arrest. You can still go wherever you want, one of us will just be with you when you go. Number two, when you’re ready, we go back to your camp, pack up, and go home. Then, we have a talk about what comes next, but with you present this time. But only when you’re ready. We don’t want to make you any more uncomfortable than we’ll already be making you.”

“Who all’s ‘we’?”

“Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Connie- if that’s okay with you- Doctor Maheswaran, and m-“

Steven practically leaped into the air, he jumped so high. “Doctor Maheswaran?! Oh, no, she probably had to cancel all her appointments-!” He smacked his forehead, ashamed.

Greg gave a small shrug. “Yep, she probably did, but the other doctors would have covered for her. She knows how important this is.”

“But she told me that she’s usually booked up  _ months _ in advance!”

“Steven, there’s no way that she would have missed out on coming to help you.” Greg’s smile turned stern. “Stop worrying about other people and their choices. We  _ want _ to help you, Steven, and you’re not responsible for our choices. Remember what I said earlier?”

“‘I am not a burden’?”

“Exactly. I mean it, Steven. We made our choices, and we’re going to stick with them. Don’t try to change our minds, and especially not hers. You know how stubborn Priyanka can be.”

It was weird hearing her first name used so casually in conversation, but Steven knew he was right nonetheless. He looked to the side, frowning.

Greg stood up, reaching a hand down in Steven’s direction. “Come on, Stchu-ball. It’s about time we got back.”

Steven lifted his cracked arm, then hesitated. He looked away, then let his arm come back down. “I’m not ready to go home yet.”

Greg blinked, thinking for a minute. Steven tried to read his thoughts, but he couldn’t place what exactly his dad was thinking. He seemed to be flipping back and forth between two ideas.

Settling on one, Greg let out a sigh, closing his eyes. “Look, Steven, I want you to know that I trust you. I really, really do. But, not while you’re like this. Trust me. Being out here… that’s the last thing you need right now.”

Steven looked away.

Greg sighed again, moving to sit on the log. “Steven… we all have our theories, but I want to hear it from you. Why did you come out here?”

The teen remained silent. A couple of butterflies dared to get closer, circling around his head.

The silence hung heavy between them. Steven stayed put, refusing to say it. “You already pretty much figured it out, I guess,” he answered finally. “Though it sounds much worse the way you said it.”

“That’s perspective for you,” Greg said, attempting comedy. The joke flopped, and Greg’s half-smile fell. “Well, I’m not letting you stay out here any longer. Come on, we should get going back.”

Steven barely moved, but in the slight shift that the boy did make, Greg saw his arm again. The sun had risen enough that natural lighting was starting to make everything brighter, and that included showing the damage his son’s joint had gone through.

_ What happened? _

There was no way Greg would get an answer out of him now, though, and instead opted to stand.

Steven jumped a little in surprise as he felt his father’s hands wrap around his form, lifting him up off the forest floor. Steven was heavy in Greg’s arms, but if he was struggling, Greg didn’t show it.

“Uhh, dad…?”

“I know what you’re going to say, and I’m telling you that I’ve got this. You’re hurt.”

“Dad, it’s just my arm, I can…”

“Are you sure? Your arms and legs look like they probably got pretty scratched up on the way out here.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Healing powers, remember?”

“Well, if you’re sure.”

Greg set Steven down on solid ground again, secretly relieved that he didn’t have to carry him.

As the two started to walk back towards the camp, following Steven’s footprints (and eventually, the remains of his jacket), Steven began to feel lighter. A weight he hadn’t really realized had been there was lifting off his shoulders. He could breathe again.

The butterflies stayed far away from them, scattering and eventually fizzing out of existence in the forest; out of sight, out of mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...In the dark of the night...
> 
> Sorry this one is dialogue-heavy again (and I may have gone around in circles). If you have any critiques, tell me in the comments below!
> 
> There may be one more chapter today, we’ll have to see.
> 
> Also, this conversation went very different from how I had originally outlined it, so we’ll have to see how different the ending winds up being because of it. I imagine the differences aren’t enough to uproot the whole thing, but some things may be changed. Who knows. I don’t regret writing the chapter like this, though; this is better than what I head originally.
> 
> Anyways, I hope y’all enjoyed! See you in the final chapters!


	9. Through Whatever You’ve Been...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven, Greg, and the Gems have a talk (ft. Connie and Priyanka Maheswaran).

Morning light filtered in through the beach house window, illuminating the interior. Soft yellows and blues coated the room, creating a warm interior. The gems had pulled up chairs from various places, bringing them around the coffee table.

Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet all sat in the chairs, facing the couch where Steven sat. On Steven’s right was Greg, and on his left Doctor Maheswaran. Connie sat to her mother’s left, left mostly out of Steven’s peripheral vision but still present in the room.

In Steven’s hands was a nice glass of hot chocolate, his second glass this week. A single marshmallow bobbed along the top, waving gently back and forth in the small waves Steven’s shaky hands created.

It was silent. 

Steven felt eyes on him, and he knew everyone was waiting on him to say something. But, he couldn’t decide on what to say. Where was one to start? Everything that he’d done recently had ended in disaster: the hospital, the camp, the bear, the tree, his arm, his sprint through the wildlife, his dream… even everyone’s reaction to his camp had been awful. Everyone was worried. He wished he could just help them feel better, but he knew there was no way he could do that, not when he was the source of all that worry.

His cracked arm had felt better after a while, now that he wasn’t lying on it. The cracks had, in fact, gotten worse since when he initially got them, but they hadn’t spread any further than where they were at when Greg had shown up. So that was good?

Greg wrung his hands together, daring to be the first to break the silence. “So, Steven, earlier I asked why you chose to run away, and you said I’d already figured it out. Why don’t you tell me what it was I figured out? That way everyone can be on the same page you think we’re all on.”

The gems nodded. That seemed like a fair place to start.

Steven moved his thumb along the surface of the mug, thinking.  _ Was _ that a good place to start? Was there  _ any  _ “good place to start?”

Taking a deep breath, Steven finally raised his head to look at the others gathered before him. “Well,” he began, “I… don’t really have a good way of explaining it. I just… wanted to get away.”

“And why is that,” Priyanka asked, gently prompting him onward.

“I… I dunno, I just feel all over the place. And angry. And scared. And lost. I guess I figured that I was stressing you all out, especially after the hospital. I realized that I…” He trailed off.

“...Realized what, Steven?” Pearl extended a hand worriedly towards him.

Steven stayed silent, ashamed.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Connie piped up from the other side of Priyanka. She leaned forward so she could look at him. They locked eyes, and Steven felt his emotions start to rise again. He fought to keep control, but couldn’t stop his body from turning pink. 

Connie’s eyes widened for a second before she gave him a smile. “It’s okay. We’re not going to judge you. No one here is. We’re here to help, remember?”

Steven looked away. “I… I’m dangerous, okay?!” He set his mug down, worried he’d slosh the beverage around. 

The gems had varying reactions whereas the humans all shared a worried look.

“Steven, what do you mean?”

“Of COURSE you’re dangerous! You’re Steven, the kid who brought down the Diamond Authority!” Amethyst cheered, hoping to raise him up. “No one’s a match against you!”

“Exactly!” Steven gripped the legs of his pants. “Amethyst, I could really hurt someone! I  _ did _ hurt someone! I almost hurt Dad, and Doctor Maheswaran, and Connie, and Volleyball and Pearl! All those baby birds in the forest, that tree… I did that! Just one punch from me is all it took!” Tears brewed at the corners of his eyes. 

“Woah, woah, calm down there, bud!” Greg rubbed a hand along Steven’s back, easing his breathing a bit. “It’s okay. No one got hurt, right? You’ve gotta give yourself that.”

“Someone  _ did _ get hurt.” Steven pulled his knees up to his chest. “I just… reacted. She was just scared of me, probably because I was glowing, and I raised my bubble and she ran into the spikes…”

Greg’s eyes widened, but not as much as Steven expected them to. “Steven, the blood on the ground at your campsite… something attacked you?”

Steven nodded. “A bear.”

“Well, based on my current knowledge on your mental state,” Priyanka started, “it sounds like you were just practicing self-defense. She attacked you, and your body reacted accordingly.”

“That’s just  _ it, _ though.” Steven leaned back, letting his legs drop back to the ground. “I didn’t want to hurt her. I never called for the spikes on my bubble. That’s something I control. But I can’t anymore. If I can’t control it now, that means I won’t be able to control it later. Someone could get really hurt because of me.” He looked to Pearl. “Just like I almost hurt you and Volleyball at the Reef.”

“‘The Reef’?” Connie frowned. “What’s that?”

“It’s a carecenter built to create and repair Pearls,” the corresponding Gem answered her. “Steven brought White’s old Pearl and I there, hoping to heal her cracked eye.”

“Did it work?”

“Unfortunately, no.” Pearl looked up, lost in memories. “Her crack didn’t heal. It was a mental scar, not a damage to her gem.”

Connie’s eyes widened, and her gaze traveled to Steven’s arm.

Pearl followed her gaze, and her face lit up in realization.

“Steven, have you tried healing your arm?” Garnet’s eyebrows were raised, her three eyes wide with the same thought.

“‘Course I have. It made the blood go away, but…” His brows furrowed. “You don’t think that this is mental, do you?”

“Like Volleyball.” Pearl stood up, slowly approaching Steven. She stopped, as there wasn’t room for her past Greg’s legs nor in front of Steven, but she was as close as she’d wanted to be anyways. She knelt down, meeting his eyes. “Steven, Volleyball’s crack was because of her interaction with Pink all those years ago. She could never move on, and it ate away at her. It still does. However, since we fused, her eye has gotten better. It’s still not repaired all the way, nor can she see from it, but the cracks have lessened. Because she came to an understanding with me about what happened.”

Steven’s eyes widened. He looked down at his arm, flexing his fingers a bit. Yep, it still hurt, but maybe this could go away? He ran his left hand along his forearm, feeling the rise and fall of his skin. “You think I can get this to go away?”

Pearl nodded. “I do. But it won’t be easy.” She looked away for a second, contemplating her thoughts, before she looked back to him. “Before we went out searching for you, we had a meeting here. All of us realized that we… we’ve all made you think and feel very little of yourself. And we’re sorry. You must have felt that you couldn’t talk about it to us, but I’m telling you here and now that you can. We want to help. And we can only do that if we know what’s going on.”

Everyone else nodded.

Amethyst stood up. “I know this probably doesn’t matter to you anymore, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, so here goes; Steven, I’m sorry for comparing you to Rose.”

Steven looked up at her, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“That time we fought up in the Ruins… I made you feel like you had to be worse to make me feel better, didn’t I? I just wanted to do that to prove to myself that you were better than me, but you just wanted to make me feel better. You raised me up at your expense, and that just doesn’t sit well, y’know?”

Steven blinked. “Amethyst, I-“

“And that one time that I turned  _ into _ Rose!” Amethyst turned to Greg. “This one goes for you, too. I’m sorry. That was a crappy thing to do. And those are just the things that I  _ realized _ that I’ve done to you. I know I probably did other things, too.”

Steven looked shocked. His eyes flitted from side to side, thinking, as his thumbs twiddled together. 

“So there. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. If there’s anything else, let me know and I’ll apologize for those, too, no matter how silly they sound.”

Light shone in Steven’s eyes when he looked back up at her. He smiled a real, genuine smile, shoulders slumped in relief. “Thanks, Amethyst. That… really means a lot.”

“Same from over here,” Greg smiled. “Thank you.”

Amethyst smiled back, then sat down. “Good. I’m glad.”

Garnet uncrossed her legs, leaning forward in her chair. “I feel like all of us have compared you to Rose at some point or another,” she said, her tone even. “Even if we haven’t meant to. And I’m sorry for that. We made you feel like you weren’t enough, or that in order to be on the team, you had to be as good as her, and eventually, better. You don’t. 

“I remember, when the cactus attacked you, you told us that it was repeating everything you said. And I remember it shouting ‘why do I need to be needed’. Steven… you don’t. We already need you, because we love you and we want you here. And if you think that you need to be some extraordinary hero to give yourself that slot in our hearts, you’re wrong. 

“We need you, always. It doesn’t matter if you’re dismantling an empire or defending the earth. You can take a break, and we’ll still need you for who you are. Don’t allow yourself to think less of you because you aren’t protecting us, or trying to be better than your mother, or allow yourself a break. We love you, Steven, and that’s all the need that  _ we _ need from you.”

Tears had since rode down both their cheeks, one in apology, and one in relief. Steven raised his left arm to wipe them away. “I… I don’t know what to say,” Steven choked out, smiling. “Thank you.”

_ “We need you, always. It doesn’t matter if you’re dismantling an empire or defending the earth. You can take a break, and we’ll still need you for who you are.” _ Garnet’s words rang in his ears, loud and clear. He’d have to remember them. 

Garnet leaned back, taking the time to wipe her own eyes. “If there’s ever anything we can do for you, don’t be afraid to ask,” she supplied further. “It’s okay to ask for help. I know we put a burden on you since you were small, but if it ever feels heavy, we’re here to lighten the load. Okay?”

Steven nodded, relieved. “Okay.”

Garnet smiled, delightedly pleased to see that this was working. This was what he needed.

Pearl stood up now, still from her spot on Greg’s other side. “Steven, I…” She looked away, arms crossed over her chest in nervousness. “I’ve done so many horrible things. Every mistake I’ve made with you… it haunts you, doesn’t it? I’ve hurt you in so many ways…” She took a second to gather herself.

Steven took the opportunity to interject. “No, it’s fi-  _ okay, _ Pearl, it’s in the past, right?” He gave her a worried half smile. “You don’t have to-“

“No. I want to.” Pearl took a deep breath, kneeling back down and reaching towards the teen. She took Steven’s left hand in hers, locking eyes with him. “I’m sorry for  _ everything. _ For leaving you behind when we went on missions, for ignoring your interests and ideas, for not believing you when you said something bothered you, for the entire thing-in-the-warp-stream episode, that time I let you fall, for nearly taking you into space on a doomed ship… I know there’s more as well.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “You always put others before yourself, and I took advantage of that. I know there was probably no stopping you, but I should have at least returned the favor. You’re the reason I’m able to move on from Rose, and I’m one of. The reasons you can’t. I just passed that onto you. And I’m sorry.”

At a glance, Steven could tell how hard she was trying to hold herself together. He wondered how she  _ hadn’t _ fallen apart already. Maybe she was stronger than he thought she was…? When did that happen?

“Steven.” Pearl moved her hand from Steven’s to his cheek. “If you ever, even for a second, feel like we’re putting too much pressure on you, tell us. We will listen.”

Steven nodded. “Okay. Thanks.” His eyes watered again. “That… means a lot to me.”

Pearl’s lips curled up into a non-voluntary smile. She gave a single, short nod, then stood up and returned to her chair.

“I’ve got apologies to make to you, too, Schtu-ball,” Greg announced unexpectedly.

Surprised, Steven turned to him, eyes full of curiosity.

“Look, I know that I haven’t always been around, but I try. I try so hard to give you anything you need. But, despite my best efforts, I still failed to notice that you’re hurting, and have been for a long time. I should have seen the signs. I should have tried to stay here with you when you were alone. I knew something was up when Sadie told me about the weird dome situation at the graduation, but I still never did anything about it. She told me you figured it out, and I’d left it at that, and after I called you that night and you said that it was fine… I should have looked further into it. ‘Gem stuff’ or not, I should have been more present in your life. I’m sorry.”

Steven looked stunned. He blinked twice, turning his head away to process what he just heard. “You… you’re the best dad anyone could ask for. You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“Even the best people make mistakes, Steven. And I’m man enough to see where I went wrong. So I’m telling you: I’m sorry.”

Steven gave a light chuckle. “Well, if every pork chop were perfect…”

Greg grinned. “And that applies to you, too, Schtu-ball.” He reached over and jostled Steven’s hair.

Steven gave a laugh and ducked down, hoping to escape, but being stuck between two adults, a couch, and a coffee table didn’t really provide a lot of space to move around. He surrendered, letting himself laugh for what felt like the first time in years.

After their playful banter, the conversation felt lighter. Weights were being lifted, and everyone just seemed happier.

“So, what are we gonna do about the future? Now that all that’s behind us,” Steven asked. 

“Well, I do know that it’s going to have a much more open Steven in it,” Pearl suggested. 

“Yeah, dude! No more holding stuff away from us. We’re tough; it ain’t gonna hurt our feelings as much as you keep thinking it will.” Amethyst practically jumped out of her chair, cocking her hip and giving a small fist pump. “We can take it!”

“Amethyst’s right,” Garnet announced. “We all know that there’s more bothering you. Maybe you don’t even know what it is. But, we can figure that out together and work to fix it. As one.”

“I’ll help, too,” Connie spoke up. She stood, walking around the bend to better meet Steven’s gaze. “We’re a team, remember? We ride together, Jam Bud.” Her contagious grin reached her eyes, and Steven followed suit. 

“Yeah. Thanks, Connie.” Steven filled with that familiar warmth at seeing her eyes, and suddenly, all the stress was gone. He’d stopped glowing pink a while ago at this point, but no one said he could glow  _ red. _

Connie saw him blushing and giggled, sitting back down. “Anytime, Biscuit.”

Priyanka moved for the first time in a long time, running a hand down Steven’s back comfortingly. “Steven, if you don’t mind me asking,” she started, pulling out a clipboard, “do you mind if I take notes? It may be useful later on.”

“Oh. Uh. Sure?” Steven blinked. “I guess? It never hurts to be prepared.”

Doctor Maheswaran nodded, then stood up. She moved to Connie’s other side, allowing her daughter to cautiously inch closer to Steven. He smiled, patting the couch next to him, inviting his Jam Bud closer. She obliged, taking his right hand.

“I’ll be right here. If you need me to fill in any details, I can try, okay?”

Steven nodded. “Okay.”

The room quieted, everyone waiting for Steven to make the first move. He took a deep breath, then let it out again, pinching the bridge of his nose.

_ You can do this. _

Connie gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. Surprisingly, the cracks didn’t hurt as she did that. Steven had almost forgotten they were there.

Steven took one more deep breath. “Okay. I’ll tell it to you as I remember it happening. Hopefully that helps clear up stuff. Well, I was eight when I moved in with the Gems. I was so excited, I woke up screaming that morning.””

Greg chuckled at the memory.

“So, he drove me down to the beach house, and I think that’s where it all started…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really, really hope I was able to stay in character for y’all. I’m not sure how good I am at that (especially with Garnet), but if I did go out of character, I hope you were still able to enjoy!
> 
> There’s one more chapter to go, and no, I won’t just recap the entire series. I’m going to pick certain scenes and roll with those, and at the end of it all, we’ll get back to original content. I won’t just be doing a non-stop string of “Last Time on Steven Universe...” Mostly because I don’t want to and I know how boring that would be. I hope y’all like what I have in store, and that chapter will (hopefully) come out later today! Before 7! Maybe! Fingers crossed!
> 
> Also have another title inspired from “No Matter What” because I suck at naming things...
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments below!


	10. Storytime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven finally lets down the floodgates of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: long chapter!

The sun was well up above the horizon when their conversation had begun that morning, and as it climbed higher, the room- and the mood- got brighter. Despite all the downs in Steven’s story, everyone could only be relieved (and a little annoyed at their past selves and counterparts) that he was finally opening up. Very few times did they interject, but it was usually to ask questions or to verbally connect points.

“So, I took a walk through town to try and clear my head, and I guess I started growing older? No one recognized me, and Sadie and Lars even kicked me out of the Big Donut.”

“Wait,” Pearl interrupted, “Greg. Do you think Steven never grew taller because he was feeling younger? And that’s why he’s so tall now?”

Greg shrugged. “Could be. Makes sense to me.”

“Oh, Steven, we didn’t mean to make you feel younger like that…”

Steven looked to the ground. “I didn’t even realize that I  _ did _ feel like that. I mean, I kinda realized on my fourteenth birthday, but… I dunno. It makes sense, though.”

Pearl nodded. “Of course. Please. Continue.”

And he did. He went over various accounts of being attacked, witnessing his family hurting, trying to help them, and little by little, he began to realize for himself just how horrid all those things were.

“So, then Jasper lifted me up by the shirt, told me- Rose- that I was nothing, and head butted me unconscious. I woke up imprisoned on a ship, and…” He reached up to touch a spot near his eye, looking to Doctor Maheswaran. “Do you think right there is where I got that crack from?”

Priyanka shrugged. “It could be, it is very possible, although there are far more cracks in your skeleton than just that one, and on the opposite side of your head.”

“You have  _ cracks _ in your  _ SKULL?!” _ Greg turned Steven’s head towards him, moving hair out of the way as if he were trying to see what lay beneath his skin. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I… didn’t want you to worry, there wasn’t a good time, and they all healed themselves anyways so I thought it was fine?” Steven suggested through squished cheeks. 

Greg took a deep breath, turning to Priyanka. “Could you send me a picture of those X-rays? I’d like to see them for myself.”

Priyanka nodded. “Good idea. I’ll send them to you as soon as I can.”

Steven nodded in agreement, then continued on.

* * * * * 

“It kept escalating, day after day, and it made me really worried. I stopped going per Pearl’s request, but I’d always wait nearby for her to bring Connie back. One day, Garnet told me about how Pearl always used to sacrifice herself for Mom, and I freaked out. Pearl had been teaching Connie to do the same for me, and I had to go talk to her about it.”

Priyanka’s eyes widened. “Connie, is this true?”

The girl nodded. “Yeah. But it’s okay, Steven and I talked to her, and she listened.” Her bright smile fell a bit. “But, that was only after calling Steven ‘Rose’ to his face…”

Pearl blushed and looked away.

Priyanka took a deep breath, taking a moment to steady her hand. “Well, as long as you’ve worked it out. I trust you. And I know that Pearl apologized for this earlier. If you feel it’s safe to trust her teachings, I’ll allow it.”

Connie smiled. “Thanks, Mom.”

* * * * * 

Steven wrung his hands together, clearly uncomfortable relaying this one. “It was just me and Garnet,” he continued. “We were down there, alone, and we kept hearing these noises. Then, g-gem limbs started falling from the sky. Connected elbows, and wrists, and feet… it was really disturbing…”

Garnet was shaking, too, clearly still haunted by this turn of events.

“Then this giant forced fusion reformed, and it was a… what looked like a giant hand made up of other, smaller limbs. It screamed, a-and crawled around, and it grabbed hold of Garnet, and she just  _ froze…”  _

Greg’s eyes were wide. He reached over and wrapped an arm around Steven, pulling him closer. “That sounds horrible,” he murmured. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“That was only the first time we had to bear witness to Homeworld’s forced fusions,” Garnet supplied, hand hovering over her visor. “We had to poof and bubble all of them. And the worst part was…” Garnet took a minute to collect herself. “They were all fallen Crystal Gems. Our old friends. Shattered, forever trying to find their missing pieces and reform.”

The room was shocked into silence. Well, Greg and Priyanka were, anyways.

“So, that time in the hospital when you came looking for your sword,” Doctor Maheswaran realized, “when we got attacked. Those were the forced fusions, weren’t they? ‘Gem mutants,’ I think you called them.”

Steven nodded. “Yep. That’s what they were.”

She blinked in shock. “You fought those basically on the  _ daily?” _

Steven started glowing pink. “Y-yeah?”

“Woah, woah, calm down, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just… surprised that you’re in a good place as you are. You’re a strong kid, Steven. I’m impressed.”

The glow faded from Steven’s cheeks. “Thanks.”

* * * * * 

Stars lit up Steven’s eyes. “And then  _ WHOOSH! _ There she was, standing tall and proud! She’s got this showbiz attitude and a real nice comedy routine. She’s cool. Anyways. Amethyst and I watched as she soared through the air and took out the tower like it was nothing!” He swung his hands around to emphasize his point. “Sardonyx practically leveled the thing, removing each column so neatly! After it was over, Pearl and Garnet unfused, and everything was great! Until…” His smile faded. “Then it wasn’t anymore.”

Pearl stood up. “Before Steven continues this part of the story, I just want to say that I still regret my actions. I don’t think I’ll ever get to a point in my life where I can truly forgive myself for it.”

Garnet held up both her hands. “It’s alright, Pearl. I’ve forgiven you, and you learned your lesson, You’re right, you probably won't ever stop blaming yourself, but that just tells me that you really are sorry, and I can forgive you for that. It’s okay.”

Pearl smiled in relief, nodding. “I know. Thank you, Garnet.”

Garnet nodded back. “Okay, Steven, proceed.”

The kid nodded, then started in on how Pearl revamped the communication hub three more times, just hoping to be Sardonyx again.

All the while, Steven couldn’t stop thinking about Stevonnie.

* * * * * 

“So, I finally tried to go to sleep, and as soon as my eyes were shut, I felt something grab me.” Steven hadn’t realized how much this memory disturbed him until just now. “I felt my heart skip a beat, and I realized that whatever had grabbed me was  _ cold. _ And hard, like metal. It had wrapped an arm around my mouth and dragged me to the warp pad, and I struggled, but I could never break free. It was only after she teleportant us to the Galaxy Warp did Peridot let go of me.”

Steven noted that Amethyst scowled, clearly still a little fronted by the memory as well.

“She wanted me to fix the Warp the same way I fixed Lapis’ gem. I tried, and when that didn’t work, she had a breakdown.”

Steven moved a hand up to his forehead, taken aback by how scary the whole thing actually had been. He blinked in confusion. Why was this so disturbing  _ now? _ Sure, he was scared in the moment, but he’d gotten over it. Right? He’d never looked back on this memory as a really scary one, especially not compared to other memories he had.

Connie rubbed his shoulder. “That sounds scary.”

Steven blinked. “It… was. But only in the moment. Afterwards, I never really thought about it as something scary. At least, not to the degree that I am right now…” He looked up at Priyanka. “Doc, is there something wrong with me?”

She shook her head. “No, Steven. I think your brain is just finally putting that event into perspective for you. You didn’t have time or the mental energy to stress over it. Let me guess; just after all this, you immediately got distracted by something. Something big.”

The teen nodded. “Yeah. That was the day we found out about the Cluster.”

Priyanka hummed, looking over her notes in thought. “Sometimes, big things can become a distraction from the littler things clouding your mind. The Cluster was really important, and you didn’t have the brain space to worry about the kidnapping. By the time the whole Cluster situation was over, you were used to not thinking about it as something to worry about. Peridot is your friend now, right?”

Steven nodded. “Oh, yeah, absolutely.”

“That’s another reason.” She leaned back. “She’s your friend, so you probably pushed that incident to the back of your mind so as not to offend her or make her think you still thought of her that way, even if you didn’t. It was probably a subconscious decision.”

Steven looked to his dad. When all Greg could do was shrug, Steven turned back to her. “I… guess that makes sense. Wait, is that why I never realized I was traumatized in the first place?! I become friends with, like, everyone who has ever tried to kill me, except for Bluebird, but I even tried with her.”

He noticed Greg reach up to brush his fingers through his shortened hair.

Priyanka held her gaze evenly. “It is possible, though let’s not assume just yet. Please, continue.”

* * * * * 

“And… I eavesdropped.” Steven’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “I overheard Dad and Connie talking, and I realized that I needed to, well, grow up. Literally. So, I shapeshifted my form to be taller. I even gave myself a deeper voice. I remember everyone was so taken aback when I came out of the barn, suddenly, like, a foot taller, and they just… accepted it. I thought that everyone wanted me to be this tall. Dad looked relieved, the Gems smiled and thought I looked cool, and Connie told me it was a ‘good different.’ I know now that you all were just trying to roll with it, but at the time…”

Connie looked away. “Yep, I remember this one. You stayed shapeshifted all day and eventually turned into a baby.”

Steven nodded, scratching the back of his head. “Haha, yep, that was the day. I just thought that, well, when you were all grown up, you wouldn’t want to hang around me if I was still the size of an eight-year-old.”

Greg grinned, his eyelids lowering in a mischievous look. “If I recall correctly, a certain somebody had shouted about how when Connie became the President, he didn’t want to be ‘First Boy’...”

Steven’s face went red. “DAD!” He buried his head in his hands.

Connie giggled. “Why am I not surprised?” She reached over and gave her Jam Bud a hug. “You know that wouldn’t have mattered to me, right?”

“I knowwww,” Steven muttered into his palms. “But stillll…”

* * * * * 

“So, Alexandrite produced Opal’s bow, and then she shot an arrow through her. Malachite broke apart, and Lapis and Jasper hurtled towards the earth, Alexandrite caught them, then defused, setting them back on dry land. Then, there was another earthquake.”

“But, wait,” Connie interrupted. “I thought you said Malachite was causing them?”

“She was! At least, those first few. After that, we all realized that the Cluster was about to emerge.”

The room went silent.

“I woke up and Peridot and I got in the drill. She started heading down, and at first, it was just cramped. But then, the further down we got, the more I felt… off.” Steven reached up a hand to clutch at his gem. “I was really uncomfortable. Then, more Gem fusion experiments appeared, and I had to fight them off with a laser Peridot had installed. But I felt wrong, the whole time. I knew we had to bubble them, but I… I couldn’t do anything for them!”

The boy started glowing pink at the memory, his breathing increasing.

“It just got worse. My head started spinning, and when we finally broke the surface, we thought we were too late. The Cluster started forming, and it was so  _ loud! _ But it retreated, and Peridot launched the drill straight down. I started… to physically hurt. It was as if she were drilling into me instead. It only got worse when we actually managed to touch down.”

His grip around his Gem strengthened, his shirt wrinkling under his fingertips.

“Th-the drill heads… as soon as they touched down, I got a headache. I couldn’t breathe. I kept seeing these faces- twisted and in pain- they rode up from the Cluster, screaming. I tried to block them out, but I couldn’t, and then I accidently bumped into Peri. One of the drill heads ran off. It got worse, and another one ran. After that, I… think I passed out.

“I woke up and I was actually able to  _ talk _ to the Cluster! I-I saw how many shards there were, and I got them to want to stay there. They didn’t want to firm, they just wanted to find their missing pieces. They wanted company. So, I gave it to them in each other. After that, we all bubbled each other. The Cluster was safe, underground, and in a bubble where it couldn’t hurt anymore.”

Greg and Connie both put a hand on Steven’s arms. 

“Oh, Steven,” Pearl said across the way. “Why didn’t you tell us that part when you and Peridot were talking to us about it?”

“She did, k-kinda. She told you the basics…”

“But you could have been having a heart attack, dude!” Amethyst threw her arms out. “How did she know that you were okay? She didn’t! Why didn’t you…?”

Steven looked away. “I didn’t want you to worry. What if that happened again? You guys wouldn’t let me go on missions anymore.”

“Well,  _ has _ that happened again?” Amethyst asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No?” Steven blinked, seriously thinking about this. “I don’t think so… oh, there was that one time when we were fighting the corrupted version on Little Larimar! When her arm broke off, I felt it in my arm, too.”

“Sound to me like you’re an empath,” Priyanka almost muttered, but had raised her voice so everyone could hear her. 

“...Yeah? I thought I knew that? Almost all my powers are empathetic.”

“No no, and  _ empath. _ You can physically  _ feel _ other’s pain as if it were your own.”

Steven shrugged. “I guess so? I mean, yeah?”

“No wonder you don’t like fighting…” Pearl murmured half to herself.

“I guess that’s part of it, but I don’t think I’ve ever really  _ liked _ fighting, Pearl,” Steven responded. “Empath or not.”

“Right, right.” She took a deep breath. “Continue.”

* * * * * 

Stars in his eyes once again, Steven was trying so hard to stay on track. “It was just so… big! And different! We stayed in this really fancy hotel, and we managed to get the staff to sing with us, and then Dad and I had fun together! It was late when we went to bed. I couldn’t sleep, though.

“I heard Pearl walk in the room, and I pretended to sleep so as not to get scolded, and then she started… singing. She sang about how she had to be here for me because Rose was gone, and that she still had beef with Dad. She sang about everything being over, and when she was done, we both realized that Dad had heard it.” Steven looked down. “He left.”

Pearl looked away. “Yes, I remember that.” She sighed. “I tried to sing softly at first, but the more I got into it, the more emotional I got. I’m sorry I woke you up, Greg.”

Greg shrugged. “Gotta be honest, I couldn’t sleep either. I was trying, but it wasn’t working. It just felt so… different.”

Pearl laughed. “You can say that again!” 

Steven let out a small chuckle as well. 

Pearl’s smile faded as she met his eyes, however. “I’m sorry again, Steven. I really made you feel like you had to be her, didn’t I? For me?”

Steven shrugged. “I dunno. Right around that time, I started having second thoughts about her. About who I was. But yeah, I guess that night really set me back a bit.”

Pearl finally got brave and determined enough to cross over Greg’s legs and wrap the teen in a hug.

* * * * * 

“Then, Jasper showed up with two corrupted gems and we had to fight her. Amethyst got poofed, and-“

“Oh, no no no. Hold on. I didn’t just  _ get poofed.” _ The purple quartz crossed her arms. “I’m guessing you didn’t hear everything Jasper told me, huh? Well, I’m wrong and she knows it. I was supposed to be as strong as her. But because I got overcooked, I was the scum of the earth.  _ Then _ she poofed me.”

Steven’s eyebrows raised in surprise, but then he frowned in realization. “That’s why you wanted to get her back so bad…”

“Yes, geez,” Amethyst groaned.

Steven chuckled. “If I’d known that…”

“Well, ya didn’t.” Amethyst smiled at him. “So don’t beat yourself up over it.”

* * * * * 

“I accidently popped a bubble inside Lion’s mane and it turned into Bismuth.” He looked awkwardly to the side. “She was cool until she wasn’t until she was again.”

Connie blinked. “What?”

“It’s just- Bismuth. She wanted to shatter gems, and nearly shattered me in the process because she thought I was Rose. Apparently, she had shown Rose a weapon that could shatter gems and Rose poofed her over it, locking her away in a bubble. She then lied to everyone, saying Bismuth was shattered. When I released her, she tried to show  _ me _ the Breaking Point instead, but I apparently said word-for-word what Rose had said to her. So she thought we were the same person and attacked me. I had Rose’s sword with me, and had to poof Bismuth before she could get me, and after that I told everyone what happened. It… really sucked. But she’s so cool! She;s one of my best friends, and probably the best motivational speaker I’ve ever heard.”

“That’s true,” Garnet confirmed from the other side of the table.

“But she tried to kill you?” Priyanka stopped writing for a moment.

“Yeah, but doesn’t everybody?”

Priyanka squinted at him, but continued to write.

* * * * * 

Retelling what happened out in space with Eyeball had been particularly difficult.

It wasn’t that his memory was fuzzy; it was actually one of the more clear memories Steven had. It was just that the event had rocked him to his very core.

Alone, floating in a black void. No idea if anyone would ever find him. Cold. Afraid. 

However, he was the only one who could tell that part of the story.

“That… does sound like one of the worst experiences you’ve described so far,” Priyanka stated once he was done. “How long were you along out there?”

“I don’t know? It felt like days.”

“It WAS days!” It was Pearl’s turn to throw her arms up. “Two and a half days! You were probably with Eyeball for a few hours, and then after that, you were all alone. And scared. And cold!” She shook her head. “No wonder it took you a few moments to come around to us after we rescued you. Your mind was probably on autopilot…”

Steven gave a faint nod. “Sounds about right, yeah…”

Greg shook his head. “You’ve told me that story before, but I never imagined it was this bad. She tried to stab you and you got lost in space. Okay. Alright. You were safe. But the way you just described it…”

Steven gave his father a worried look. “Dad? Are you… gonna be okay?”

Greg inhaled sharply through his nose, letting his shoulders rise, before letting it out in a huff. “Yeah.” He smiled. “You’re doing great so far, okay?”

Steven nodded. 

He was halfway through the story. 

* * * * * 

For the next hour or so, Steven continued to go through his life. When he got to being kidnapped by Aquamarine, the entire room felt uncomfortable. When he switched to talking about Homeworld, his audience’s interests peaked. He talked for a long while about the trial, spoke fondly of the Off-Colors, and cried again at the memory of Lars’ sacrifice. 

He spoke of coming home, eating for the first time in days, then packing food for Lars only for him to refuse it. He came back home, and after that, the group allowed themselves to bombard him with questions.

The whole Rose-was-Pink-Diamond episode particularly was hard to talk about, and he wound up skipping over it. The rest of the room didn’t mind, although Priyanka had raised a brow at his advertance of the topic.

When he finally got to their diplomatic mission to Homeworld, Connie finally had to jump in and fill in details or entire story segments. Steven’s throat was getting dry, and this was some of the most traumatizing parts of his adventures. 

Greg’s and Priyanka’s mouths fell open as Connie described White Diamond’s mind control beam, snatching consciousness away from Yellow and Blue. The fight to climb up the giant bot had been treacherous, and Priyanka found herself shaking at the thought of what that must have meant for her daughter’s safety. Greg was silent, just trying to process and imagine what all the girl was telling them.

When it finally came time to talk about what happened inside White’s head…

“I… I really don’t want to say it.” She looked around. At the faces watching her. At this point in the story, the Crystal Gems had been taken over, too, leaving just she and Steven. 

Both teens looked at each other, having a silent conversation with one another that no one else in the room could understand. 

_ Are you sure? We don’t have to- _

_ No. I’m sure. It’s okay, I can do this part. _

_ Are you sure? _

_ Yeah.  _ Steven gave a curt nod.  _ I can do this. _

Connie nodded back, squeezing Steven’s hand encouragingly.

Steven took another sip out his his not-so-hot-anymore chocolate, then closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see their reactions to this.

“Before I tell you what happened,” he started, “I’m okay. I promise. Physically, I’m okay. We fixed it.”

“I don’t like the mood you just set. This is the worst thing yet, isn’t it?” Amethyst shrunk in on herself a little bit, preparing herself for whatever she was about to hear.

Steven nodded. “Yeah. This is it.”

His pink glow returned again, pulsating at the back of his mind. 

_ I can do this. _

“It was right after Pearl got taken over that Connie arrived. Sword swinging, she raced to the rescue, but Pearl stopped her. Err, well, White stopped her  _ as _ Pearl. She grabbed Connie. I tried to get to her, but Amethyst and Garnet both grabbed me. All three gems brought us closer to White, and dropped me on the ground. 

White started talking about how I was Pink. Connie was just a pet of mine, all these gems were inferior, and I surrounded myself with them because it felt good. But, y’know, for selfish reasons. I tried to argue with her, but she didn’t listen. She… sh-she…” He took a deep breath. “She reached down and picked me up.”

Greg and the gems gasped.

“I tried to get away from her, but her grip was so  _ strong. _ She had my arms pinned to my sides, and she… she lifted up my shirt with a fingernail…”

Connie scooched up closer to him, rubbing circles into his back with her palm. It helped, but only a little.

Tears pricked at Steven’s eyes. “She called me ‘Pink’ one more time, then… th-then… she grabbed my gem and pulled it out!”

He had to rush that last part or he’d never say it. He flung his head into his palms so he wouldn’t have to see their faces.

But, he could still hear their gasps. 

“Oh, Steven!”

“Dude…”

There was a fizzing sound as Garnet took off her visor.

“I blacked out for a minute, and when I woke back up, I was on the floor. C-Connie was there, she…” he had to take a minute, lifting his head up. “She was holding me upright. I felt weak. I felt… helpless.”

Priyanka gave her daughter a wide-eyed stare of surprise. Connie met her gaze evenly, but you could tell from her face that she was trying to hold herself together.

“The gem began to glow. It started to reform. First, it was Pink, then Rose, and finally…” the teen smiled, touching his shirt where the gem rested. “...It was me.”

A tear ran down his cheek. Greg wrapped an arm around Steven, holding him tight. The boy looked up, meeting his eyes, and Greg could see the genuine happiness in them. 

“White asked where Pink was, and my gem told her that she was gone. Actually, that’s an understatement. He… kinda shouted it? And the floor cracked underneath of him, creating a massive crater.”

“I remember that,” Pearl murmured. Steven turned to her in surprise. “Oh, no, not  _ that,” _ she said, backtracking. “The crater.”

Steven looked down. “Right, okay.” He took another drink from his mug, surprised at how much easier this was going than how he had envisioned this. “Well, after that, Connie had to carry me. I couldn’t walk. My gem started walking toward me, but was attacked by White. She tried to mind control him, too, but he raised a modified shield around himself that stopped her. She tried again; same result. She had everyone in the room fire at him from all sides, but he just blocked it, producing a knock back that actually pushed White to the ground, along with everyone else. We were able to get to each other, and that was the moment I realized… I’m not her. I’m me. I’ve  _ always _ been me.” Another happy tear fell to the ground. 

Greg wiped his son’s cheek. “Steven… I didn’t even realize that this was a debate you were having with yourself,” he said softly. 

“That’s why you were laughing when you fused back together, wasn’t it?” Connie reached over and took his other hand.

Steven nodded. “Yeah.”

“You  _ fused?” _ Pearl stood with her mouth agape. 

Steven nodded, shrugging. 

Garnet smiled to herself. Looks like she’d been right all along.

“Well, after we fused,  _ that’s _ when I was able to get through to White. Because she knew that Pink was never coming back, and I was in her place. I embarrassed her, and then she’s listened to me ever since.”

“‘Embarrassed’? Try ‘roasted,’” Connie joked, pushing his shoulder playfully.

Steven laughed. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.”

“What do you mean ‘you guess’? That was awesome!”

Steven blushed. “It was just the first thing that came to my mind, that’s all.”

Connie rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

Steven grinned. 

* * * * * 

Then the whole thing with Spinel happened, which pretty much everyone was on the same page about. Everything about how Steven had reacted suddenly made much more sense, and everyone was a lot more secure knowing where his head was at.

As he went through the events afterward, starting with Jasper and ending with the hospital, everyone now understood what exactly he was going through. The gem’s anger at him faded away, disappointment replaced by understanding. Priyanka was flipping through her notes, taking as many as possible and connecting dots. Connie realized what his proposal had actually meant, and so did he. 

“Connie, I… I’m really sorry about that. It definitely wasn’t the right move to make.”

Connie shrugged. “It’s okay. I know why you did it. And, let me tell you now;” She took both of his hands again, looking him square in the eyes. “I didn’t say no. I said ‘not now.’ I’m happy to be with you, too, and if you think I’m drifting away, or you’re worried about not seeing me because of college, then Steven, talk to me. I want to be with you, too, silly. You seriously think I’d have this grand plan and I wouldn’t have incorporated  _ you _ into it?”

“I… um…”

“My point exactly.” Connie’s brown eyes softened. “We don’t have to get married to say that we want to be together, Steven, and if you want to be Stevonnie, that’s okay. But you shouldn’t have to rely on them to feel good. I want you to be happy being Steven too, okay? And I’m going to help you get there.” She smiled. “Is that clear, Biscuit?”

Steven’s eyes were alight. He chuckled. “All clear, Strawberry.”

Connie grinned. “Good.”

Steven returned the grin in kind. This felt right. Maybe being Stevonnie forever was a bad idea, anyways.

“Well, that brings us to a few days ago. I guess I just thought that I was getting out of hand, holding you all back, I was dangerous… I saw Connie and Priyanka hugging each other in fear of me. I guess that just made me realize that I had to go. To keep them and everyone else safe. And while I was out there, I just… got more and more lost.”

But, looking up at the faces around him, Steven realized that he wasn’t lost anymore. He knew where his place was. Sure, it was going to take some getting used to and all his problems wouldn’t magically vanish now that he’d talked about them, but that still didn’t change the fact that he knew what he was supposed to do now.

He’d been found.

* * * * * 

The sun was setting. It's brilliant rays cast golden strokes across the sand, lighting the ocean on fire. The sky was red and orange, the clouds coated in blues and flame. 

Steven crossed his legs, folding his hands together with the thumbs touching. 

_ Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust… _

_ Here comes a thought. _

It worked again. His human half and his gem half had separated, and were sitting across from each other in a blue plane. They gazed into each other’s eyes, one alight and curious, the other much more neutral.

Human Steven broke the silence. “So, Gem, I know our last talk got cut off, but…”

“You want to know what I meant earlier about Pink Diamond.”

Human blinked, taken aback by his other half’s tone. “Uh, yeah.”

“I hadn’t meant anything by it, really. It’s just a fact. Your powers are tied to your emotions. It’s how the Pink Diamond gemstone works. Your mother acted the same way. I thought you knew that, from everything we know about her.”

Human’s eyebrows raised.  _ “Everything we know about her.” _

“Does that mean you don’t have her memories?” 

Gem shook his head. “No. I was rebooted as an entirely new Gem when you were created.”

Steven cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head, confused.

“Y’know, like rejuvenated.”

“Oh.” That made sense. “So, her memories are still in there, just like the others when they got rejuvenated, you just can’t normally access them? Like, something has to trigger them?”

“Pretty much.”

Human smiled weakly to himself, then that smile grew. “So it’s just basically Gem DNA? That’s why my powers are controlled by my emotions. That makes sense.”

Gem allowed himself to roll his eyes. “I thought you’d have figured that out on your own by now.”

Human laughed. “Guess that was kinda obvious, wasn’t it?”

“Pretty much.” Although his tone was the same, Gem smiled. 

Human stood up. Walking closer to his counterpart, he sat down next to him, legs spread out in front of him. He leaned back on his hands, looking up at the beauty of this place. “Thanks for telling me,” he said.

Gem shifted into a similar position (if not more stiff), mimicking his human self. “You’re welcome.”

The two sat like that, watching the thinning cloud of butterflies above them get even thinner. They didn’t vanish, but they didn’t approach them either.

Everything was quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is! I hope everyone enjoyed!
> 
> Also WHOOOO I got this done before 7! I cu tit close, though, but it’s here! ^^;
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> Also: Nevermind. There’s no need for the bonus chapter because it got solved in this one. The chapter wrote itself, and I didn’t need to add the other.
> 
> One more thing: Priyanka taking notes was for her own needs so she could properly diagnose Steven. If I do wind up writing something stemming off of that, it will probably be an entirely new fanfic. Probably a one-shot.
> 
> Anyways. Leave a comment! If you want to critique me, go ahead! I’ll listen. Honestly I kinda hope you do: there’s a few things I think I could have done differently. I want to hear what you think, though.
> 
> Thanks for reading! :D

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 is done, baby! Now, I know I can get off-track easily when writing, but I think this is the first story where I have a clear depiction of what I want to happen start-to-finish, and I know why it all needs to happen. So, nothing will change. 
> 
> It’s been a while since I’ve written any multiple-chapter stories like this. It feels good to be back in the saddle.
> 
> And yep; so far the only fics I’ve written have been about SU. Most fanfics I have are about BATIM, but I haven’t uploaded those here yet lol. Let me know if you want to read them! My main one is called “Demons Inside”, and is my biggest project to date.
> 
> Anyways, leave a comment if you enjoyed! I’d love to hear feedback from y’all! :)


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